Saturday, July 30
It was an early morning for a Saturday as Tammy’s sister was dropping off nine-month-old Gavin (aka Baby G and Monkey) around 7 am for us to watch while she went to work.
When it’s our Saturday with Baby G, Tammy always manages to get up early to make the coffee and be ready for his arrival. Me, on the other hand, can’t seem to get out of bed until after I hear everyone rustling around or Tammy sneaks into the bedroom and sits Baby G next to me on the bed.
I pried myself out of bed and headed into the living room. I could tell Baby G was tired so I immediately asked if he was ready to take a nap (so I could too!).
Wally World and Baby G
Since Baby G likes to swim, Tammy picked up an inflatable pool Friday night but the pump we had wasn’t very effective. I headed off to Wal-Mart to get one so we could get the pool party started.
I found a pump, and a few other things (I think I’ve got a chromosome that won’t allow me to leave Wal-Mart with only one item) and headed home.
When I got back Baby G was taking a nap (I was pissed!) and Tammy headed outside to blow up the pool. In less than 2 minutes she was back inside because the nozzle we needed was missing from the box.
So back to Wal-Mart I go with the worthless pump in hand. I exchanged it for a different pump that I could tell hadn’t been opened and had the piece we needed attached to the hose.
I told the girls at the exchange desk that in the time I’d spend coming to get a pump then exchanging it for another one I could have blow up the pool myself.
When I got home, Baby G was up from his nap and we headed outside to blow up the pool. We had it ready in a couple of minutes and I brought several jugs of warm/hot water to help fill the pool so it wouldn’t be cold.
Time spent getting the pump(s), inflating the pool and filling it with water: 60-90 minutes
Time spent in the pool by Baby G: less than 30 minutes.
We spent the rest of the afternoon playing with Baby G in the kitchen and watching the REAL Smurfs.
After Baby G left, I took a quick nap because we had been invited out to Spring Grove for Tim G’s (no relation to Baby G) Ribfest.
I had texted Kari, Tim G’s girlfriend, to see what time she was going to arrive because she was the only person we would know there besides Tim G. I told Kari we were planning on leaving between 4:30–4:45, which of course meant we wouldn’t be leaving until 5–5:30.
I had punched Tim G’s address into the navigation on my phone and we headed out. I had briefly looked at Google Maps so I only knew the general direction and was relying completely on my phone.
For the first 10-15 minutes I followed the directions without question, but after a couple of questionable turns I started thinking my phone was doing me wrong.
Me: I don’t think this is right.
Me: Because we’re going back toward home.
Tammy: I don’t think so.
Me: Yeah, we are. We just turned and now we’re going the back the same way we just came from.
Tammy: No, we aren’t.
Me: Are you sure?
Tammy: Yeah. There’s 12 so we’re going the right way.
Me: Oh. Ok.
For those that don’t know, my sense of direction is horrible. My grandfather could walk outside and know which way the wind was blowing. Unfortunately that gene didn’t find its way into my body because to me whichever way I am facing is North.
I eventually gave in and followed the phone’s directions the rest of the way to Tim G’s.
Oh Kari, Where Art Thou?
We parked across the street, unloaded our chairs and coolers and headed toward one of the two houses that appeared to be having a party. We weren’t 100% sure which house was Tim G’s, but we had spotted Kari’s SUV so we figured we had a 50-50% chance.I had texted Kari to let her know we were there, hoping she’d meet us outside or at least be watching for us to walk in.
We walked through the gate into the backyard and immediately felt like everyone was looking at us. I froze and started scanning the crowd for the one of the two familiar faces (Kari and/or Tim G.).
I saw Tim G manning one of the 3-4 grills and finally found Kari sitting at a table talking with a couple.
We walked up to Kari, dropped our stuff and met the couple she was sitting with (Jesse and Casey… I can’t believe I remembered their names!!). I grabbed a beer for Tammy and myself and headed over to let Tim G know we made it.
Have They Been Around THAT Long?
I was starving and went to get a plate of snacks while Tim G was finishing up the ribs, chicken and corn. We sat there talking with Jesse and Casey about a variety of topics.
Since Jesse and Casey had two little kids, we ended up talking about the new Smurfs movie, which Casey said they were going to on Sunday.
I told them how I don’t think I like the new movie because some of the Smurfs looked like they were furry and, well, the real Smurfs weren’t furry.
I know Papa Smurf had a beard and others had hair, but they weren’t furry. To me they had baby soft skin that kind of doughy, kind of like a squishy Gumby.
That’s when someone wondered how long the Smurfs had been around.
Jesse: I think it’s been like 50 years.
Casey: What? No way.
Jesse: Yeah, I think they were around back in the 50s.
Me: I don’t ever remember seeing the Smurfs in black and white.
Casey: That’s true.
Me: Because how could you tell they were blue in black and white.
Casey: I don’t think they were around in the 50s. I think it was in the early 80s.
I picked up my phone and found out the real Smurfs were on TV between 1981–1989. Then we found out Casey was born in 1982 and felt old.
Ribs and Skeeters
Around this time I saw Tim G put several racks of ribs out and took off to load up before anyone else realized it was ready.
I came back with enough for me and Tammy since she normally eats off my plate and figured she wouldn’t get any for herself.
She didn’t mind me doing that, but she wasn’t too happy when I made a second trip and came back with a few more ribs.
You came back with more than a few more ribs. You had a big thing of taco salad and that buffalo chicken dip.
Tammy: You better eat ALL of that. You eat tons of stuff and don’t bring anything.
Me: They didn’t need anything.
Tammy: I know but I still hate that we didn’t bring something.
We were eating with Jesse and Casey and as the sun was starting to set the first bugs of the night started to appear.
I had thought ahead and brought some bug wipes but left the bug spray in the car. Because the sun was going down Tammy started getting cold so she went to the car for a sweatshirt and the bug spray.
Everyone around us had started spraying themselves and their kids down with bug spray so I thought I’d be helpful and spray Tammy.
Tammy: DON’T!! I hate that stuff.
She decided to wear the bug bracelet I bought a few weeks ago instead. It looks like one of those Livestrong bracelets and it reeks of bug spray but apparently it works. Either that or the bugs were scared to bite Tammy.
As we were sitting there Tammy noticed something above my right eyebrow so of course I hit it. I pulled back my hand and saw blood.
Me: I hope that’s from the bug.
Tammy: It is. It prolly had been filling up on people when you hit it.
Me: Great. Now I got the HIV.
Tammy: No you don’t.
Me: I could.
Tammy: You don’t.
Me: You don’t know. If mosquitoes can carry the West Nile Virus why can’t they carry the HIV? I’ll tell you why. Because the government knows the world would freak out if people knew mosquitoes carried the HIV. Everyone would be afraid to go outside anymore.
Tammy just ignored me.
I Ain’t Got Nobody…
At one point Jesse left to watch his daughter jump on the trampoline, his wife had gone inside to feed their baby and Kari had moved to another table to eat and talk with some of Tim’s friends.
Tammy: Well this sucks.
Tammy: Everybody left us.
Me: They’ll be back.
Tammy: We could sit and talk to each other at home.
Me: Yeah. We won’t.
I grabbed my camera and started showing Tammy some of the pictures I had taken but she wasn’t too thrilled with them.
Tammy: I hate how distorted I look. I look great in the mirror at home then I see a picture of myself and I look like crap.
Me: Oh stop it. You don’t.
Tammy: I do too and you know it.
I just ignored her.
Whose Fault Is It Anyway
The sun had almost disappeared so Tim G lit tiki torches and pulled out some lights so people could play bags, also know up here as Cornhole.
Think about what your reaction would be the first time someone asked if you wanted to play Cornhole. (Cue the Deliverance banjo music).
Since the sun was almost down and the baby was sleeping, Jesse and Casey called it a night. We told them it was nice to meet them and that we enjoyed sitting with them. But what they didn’t say had Tammy upset.
Tammy: They didn’t say we didn’t look old enough to have kids 21 and 19. Everybody always says we don’t look old enough to have kids that age.
Me: That’s cause you’re in the sun all the time.
Tammy: No, it’s because of your gray hair.
Me: You only see it because you see my flaws. Everyone else sees my beauty.
Tammy: Maybe if you didn’t point out my flaws I wouldn’t point out yours!
Kari was standing next to our table talking to a guy and we couldn’t help but overhear what he was saying. He was talking about someone being in the hospital, not being able to walk, dead bodies, etc., so I affectionately nicknamed him Johnny Sunshine.
Tammy: That’s nothing. You should have heard what he was saying earlier.
I’m guessing Tammy was “listening in” while we were the only ones sitting at the table. She said she didn’t know who he was talking about but he was bitching about some woman.
Tammy: She lives down in some trailer in Tennessee. She don’t do dishes, don’t dust, don’t vacuum, don’t do windows. She don’t do nothin’. He asked her to take a check to the tax assessor but didn’t and he didn’t know til later. She don’t pay the bills so I just pay for everything now.
Tammy: I know, right?
Me: Yeah, that apparently you were eavesdropping for a long time.
Gimme Something to Write On, Man…
At this point Kari had rejoined us and we filled her in on Johnny Sunshine. I had forgotten to bring my little notebook and wanted to jot down notes so I could remember them later.
Me: I gotta write this stuff down. Did you bring any paper?
Tammy: Why would I do that if there are going to be napkins?
Me: Not paper towels dummy. Something to write on. I gotta find some.
I headed inside to look for something to write on and initially grabbed a couple of paper towels to use. But before I left the kitchen I found a few pieces of scrap paper and quickly started jotting down notes before I forgot them.
I showed the paper to Tammy and Kari which caused them to give me the fifth degree.
Tammy: Where did you get that?
Tammy: Where inside?
Me: Inside a drawer.
Tammy: Why would you do that?
Me: Because it’s for notes.
Tammy: What is?
Me: The paper. It’s for notes.
Tammy: So you just decided to go looking through stuff to find paper?
Me: No. I originally grabbed paper towels, but I stood in the kitchen and looked around to figure out which one was the junk drawer because I thought it’d have paper in it. And it did.
Kari: How many drawers did you have to go through to find it?
Me: Just one. I found it on the first guess. It’s a talent.
Tammy: I can’t live with you like this.
Funny and Somewhat Hazy Memories
Some of Tim’s friends started sitting at the table with us and were telling stories from them growing up together.
While I couldn’t tell you any of their names to save my life, I knew I already liked one of them because I heard him tell his wife that he was going to take a dump in Tim’s bed.
A little later he got up from the table and said he had to expel his bowels. I told him he returned pretty quickly and he said it was an easy one.
That guy was who one of Tim’s friends told their young child was actually a shaved down bear they taught to walk. The wife chimed in to say that the kid came and told her that the guy was really a bear before she knew what the husband had said.
Man-Bear told about the time (years ago) when they were driving down a highway and smoking pot (I’m not here to judge, especially for someone that’s nearly twice my size) and saw a van lose control and roll down the embankment.
Man-Bear: I told them we had to stop to help so we pulled over. You would have thought the car was on fire when we opened the doors to get out because there was so much smoke.
Tim G: Haha… Yeah. I remember putting the cigarette between the tire and the road so we wouldn’t lose it before heading down the hill.
Tim G: I think those people must have been living out of their van because there were clothes and sh!t everywhere on the hill.
Fortunately the older couple in the van were OK because they had been wearing their seat belts.
Man-Bear: When we saw they were OK we got outta there and let the other people that had stopped take care of it.
Tim G: I grabbed the weed from under the tire, lit it up and we took off.
That’s One Way to Break Up a Fight
Then Man-Bear starts telling everyone about a time recently when some of them were drinking on the patio at a bar that allows people to bring their pets.
Man-Bear: We’re sitting there and I see these two skanks drive up. They get out with their dogs, a German Shepard and a HUGE pit bull and head toward the patio. The pit bull spotted another dog sitting with a couple near us and took off. When he did, it knocked the girl to the ground.
Kari: She was maybe 90 pounds and didn’t stand a chance. I don’t understand why she would bring a dog that she couldn’t control.
Man-Bear: The pit bull ran up to the other dog and just clamped down on its neck. That’s when Tim leapt into action.
Man-Bear: He started punching the dog in the butthole. He was screaming like a girl while he was pounding away at that dog’s butthole. Then he realized he was punching the wrong dog’s butt.
Man-Bear: The girl that brought the dog was useless. She was flat on her back from where the dog dragged her but got up and started trying to pull the dogs apart.
Man-Bear: Everybody was screaming. The other couple was trying to save their dog but Tim just kept on hitting the pit bull in the butthole. It was crazy.
Man-Bear: At one point he had his fist inside the dog’s butt because he punched it so hard. There was blood everywhere because the pit bull had clamped down on the dog’s neck but it didn’t phase The Polish Punisher. He musta hit that dog’s butthole 30 times.
Man-Bear: Eventually they got the dogs apart and everyone was yelling at the girls who took their dogs back to their truck and left.
Woman: Why was he punching it there?
Man-Bear: Cause that’s what you gotta do to get a pit bull to let go.
Man-Bear: Yup. But I don’t think Tim really had to put his whole arm in the dog’s butt though. I think he just liked doing it.
I had been sitting there laughing hysterically visualizing the situation that Man-Bear was laying out. I could see it unfolding before me and thought I wouldn’t have known what to do. I sure wouldn’t have known to punch the dog in its butthole to get it to let go.
Then I started thinking that prolly is a VERY effective way to get someone to stop doing something. Think about it…
If you’re on a sidewalk and someone walking next to you is talking on their phone really loud. They keep talking and laughing so loud and you want them to stop but don’t know what to say. So slow down your pace, fall in behind them, make a fist and punch them in the butthole. I bet they stop talking as loud. I bet the next time they start talking loud they’ll remember getting butthole punched and lower the volume.
I wonder if the UFC has banned the butthole punch because I never see it and think it’d prolly be pretty hard to keep bending someone’s arm backwards after a couple of shots to the sphincter.
I was all-in (no pun intended) on the butthole punch being an effective defense mechanism until I heard the woman’s husband tell her Tim G didn’t really punch the dog in the butthole.
I sat there with my mouth open in shock. Here I thought Tim G had pulled off some real hardcore butthole punching moves only to find out he actually was hitting the dog in its face.
That’s when Kari told us that Man-Bear made up that story because of her.
Kari: After the attack was over I told them that I’d heard one way to get a pit bull to release its bite was to stick your finger in its butt. They just took that and ran with it, telling Tim he should have punch the dog in the butt.
Don’t Leave Yet, It’s Tater Gun Time
As I sat there making sure no one knew I had believed the whole butthole story, Tammy said she was getting tired and asked if I was ready to go home.
It was around 11:30 p.m. and we still had a 30 minute drive ahead of us so I started packing up our chairs. We thanked Tim G for the food, told him we had a great time and that we were about to head out.
We were walking with Tim G and noticed several people were hanging out in the garage. That’s when Tim G said the party was just getting started.
Tim G: You sure you wanna leave? We’re about to break out the potato gun.
I looked over and saw one of his friends holding the gun. Then I saw what I assumed was going to be the target, Tim G’s garbage can, sitting in the middle of the driveway about 20-30 yards in front of Tammy’s car.
I got a little worried since I didn’t know what kind of power Tim G’s Tater Gun was packing.
Me: Ummm, I think I may need to move our car.
Tim: Nah, it’ll be OK.
We kept walking toward the car because I wasn’t sure if Tim could even see it. While we were loading the chairs in the back Tammy said she didn’t need to see them shoot it. I agreed so we climbed in and headed home.
Directionally Challenged Pt. II
Earlier Tim had given us directions for a “back way” to Woodstock. I told him I had learned my lesson and was going to follow my GPS but he said it was easy so Tammy said she’d remember
Because I had confidence in her remembering I didn’t bother turning on my phone’s GPS when we got in the car.
I should have.
We made the first left but I didn’t think the second left was where Tammy did so we ended up sitting at a stop sign waiting for the GPS to load.
We eventually got back on the right road and found the second left Tim G had mentioned. We followed the back roads and got home safe and sound.
Definitely a night of good food and fun with friends.