I Can’t Make This Stuff Up…

July 12, 2011

I really hadn’t intended on writing anything other than my the Day 6 Travel Log, but there was NO WAY I could not let tonight’s events go by without sitting down at the computer.

I Could Do That at Work

Because the electricity had been off at her house for the past two days, Grace came over for dinner tonight. I was out grilling some pork chops when she drove up. We chatted a little and went inside to join Tammy and Jake. That’s when she exploded.

Grace: We have a useless house. We got the electricity back but no cable. Seriously, what’s the point? I could read a book but I do that all day at work.

That was just the beginning of a night that saw me spend more time jotting down notes than anything else.

Now It’s a Party!

I went back outside to check on the pork chops and when I came inside to find Tammy showing Grace her boobs. Well, that’s what it looked like to me anyway.

Tammy was standing about two feet away from Grace and had pulled her t-shirt down so her boobs were out. She was actually showing Grace a bikini because she thought it looked like one Grace was wearing in a picture on Facebook.

But the way she was presenting “The Girls” to Grace had me thinking Tammy had been hitting the Cabo again.

That was just the beginning.

Only At My House

So now I’m standing in the kitchen checking on some mushrooms when Jake came in and started the following conversation.

Jake: The last time Grace was here she clogged the toilet.
Grace: Oh my God!!  I did not.  I can only poop at my house.

She says that, but we did find out later that she was “scared to poop at her aunt’s house so I had to go to a restaurant.”

No Fury Like a Grace Scorned

Grace and Jake moved to the living room and got Savannah into the act by trying to see who she “loves more.”

Jake would call for Savannah and she’d go running. Then Grace would call her name and Savannah would run to her.

Jake: No come by me.
Grace: You can’t do that!! Come here Savannah.

They decided to put Savannah in the middle and have Tammy be the referee.

Apparently Savannah went toward Jake which didn’t sit too well with Grace.

Grace: She went to you because your Mom was more toward you.

As Jake lavished affection on Savannah, Grace walked away pouting and mumbling.

Grace: I was the one that wanted to come play with you at Camp, not Jake. I’m never going to come visit you again.

The real winner in the contest was Savannah, who by 8:30 pm walked by herself into Jake’s room so she could go to bed.

Tammy Poppins

When the contest was over, Tammy threw on her late-grandmother’s straw sun hat, tied the black sash beneath her chin and walked into the kitchen singing.

Tammy: A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medicine go down…
Grace: Oh God! I hate that song.

Despite Grace’s complaints, Tammy kept singing (the same verse over and over) while walking over to get in Jake and my face.

Slow Motion for Me…

Grace and Jake made their plates and headed to the table. I sat down just in time to catch part of Grace challenging Jake to see who could eat the slowest. (Jake is know to wolf down his food, sometimes before Tammy and I have had a chance to sit down.)

From what I can tell Grace was winning as she took at least 30 seconds to get the one mushroom on her fork in her mouth. Jake quickly got bored with the game

Jake: That’s not even funny.
Grace: As long as I make myself laugh that’s all I care about.

Lil Blue

We joined the table and Grace started telling us about Thomas Jordan.

Grace: A guy at my Dad’s work is from 6-Mile.
Tammy: You mean 8-Mile?
Grace:
No, it’s 6-Mile. But you know 8-Mile?
Tammy:
Yeah, it’s a movie.
Grace:
I know, but it’s an actual place too.

That’s when Grace began telling us Thomas.

Grace: His Dad shot up the house when he was 3.
Tammy: Why?
Grace: I don’t know. I think he was a drug dealer or something.
Grace:
His gang name is Lil Blue, but he won’t tell me why. I think it’s because he always wears blue. He said there’s a Lil Red and Lil Purp, you know like purple.
Grace: When he went to prom he wore a purple tux and went in a purple car.
Grace:
He told me he had three girlfriends.
Tammy:
Like an orgy or all in one day?
Grace:
No, like John Tucker Must Die. I thought that John Tucker was hot. Did you know he was in Desperate Housewives?
Tammy:
I know.
Grace:
Yeah, he was Jesse the hot gardener. I was in love with him in like the 4th grade.
Jake:
Why don’t you go over to Jesse the gardener’s house then.
Grace:
Maybe I will.

Funniest Person I Know

The conversation died down a little but Grace broke the silence by talking to Jake.

Grace: Member when you were grumpy yesterday when I woke you up.
Jake: Yeah.
Grace:
Shut up potato breath.
Jake:
Haha. Where’d you get that, Calvin and Hobbes?
Grace: Nope. My plate. I don’t even know what Calvin and Hobbes is.
Jake:
You think you are funny.
Grace: I know. I think I’m so funny.
Tammy: I do to sometimes.
Grace: Think I’m funny or that you’re funny.
Tammy: That I’m funny.
Grace: I think I’m the funniest person alive.
Tammy: Me too!!

What’s unclear is if Tammy was agreeing with Grace or if she thought SHE was the funniest person alive.

Jake got annoyed at them laughing, especially Grace.

Jake: That’s so annoying. You laugh like a retarded flamingo.

Would You Rather

That’s when a game of “Would You Rather” tried to break out at the table.

Jake: You go first.
Grace: No YOU go first.

Grace started it off by asking if we’d rather have cancer with a chance of survival or no skin.

There were several disturbing scenarios thrown out by Tammy and Jake before we ended it with this.

Jake: Mom asked me if I’d rather make out with Grace’s Mom or Heidi (stepmom).
Grace: Who did he say?
Tammy:
Grace’s Mom.
Grace: Ewww. I think she doesn’t have like four teeth in her head.
Tammy: What’s that have to do with anything? He’s not going to be sticking his tongue or other stuff down there.
Grace: Ewww…

Where Are You Looking?

I was in the kitchen putting together some leftovers for lunch tomorrow when I heard a commotion. I looked over to see Grace sitting on Tammy’s lap and Jake on Grace’s lap.

This happens often when Jake wants Tammy to rub his back after Grace has stopped. As Tammy is considering rubbing his back, Grace always screams out “NOOOO. DON’T DO IT!!”

Grace proud of her actions

My immediate thought was that I needed to grab my camera. The problem was that it didn’t have the disc in it. By time I got it loaded into the camera, there was a skirmish that ended with Jake on the floor.

That’s when I snapped the picture below and heard this literally less than 2 seconds after the flash.

Grace: Don’t I have a crazy eye in that picture!

In Session

As Jake lay on the floor recovering from Grace’s attack, they started their first session with Therapist Tammy.

Jake: Why did you do that?
Grace: Because you were being so manipulative.
Jake: What does that even mean?

That’s when Tammy started the clock and everyone got their feelings out.

Grace: I was sitting next to your Mom and you tried to get your little butt in there. Then you started fake crying.
Jake: I wasn’t fake crying and you just got in my way.
Grace: He rubs me for like two minutes and then when he plays with my hair he just gets it in a big dreadlock and I can’t brush it out anyway.
Grace: When he first broke his collar bone I was deathly afraid of touching it but HE MADE ME rub it. He MADE ME. I was afraid that it was about to bust out of his skin.
Jake: No I didn’t.
Jake: Mom, who’s right?
Grace: Tammy, he won with Savannah, please tell me I’m right.
Tammy: I’m not getting in the middle of this. (voice raising) I’m trying to help you guys so you understand what’s going on.

That’s when she went into how his actions are making Grace feel and he needs to understand and respect those feelings.

 

It’s been a very entertaining and exhausting night.

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