As I left work Thursday around 12:15 I texted Tammy to see if/when she thought she’d be able to leave work. At 12:25 I got a text from her saying she’d “be leaving soon.”
I feel it bubbling.
After firing off two texts expressing my feelings about her getting out of work on time, I got another one from Tammy at 12:28 saying she had “one thing to finish.”
More bubbles. Pressure building.
Tammy’s 12:47 text saying she was “leaving now” launched me into a verbal tirade (to the invisible person in the car with me) that lasted a good 10-15 minutes.
I pulled into my side of the garage, looked over and saw Tammy’s Jeep. I knew what was coming and sure enough when I walked upstairs I was greeting by Tammy running around the corner smiling and yelling, “Praaankk.”
This was one prank that I was happy about because I knew it meant we’d actually be leaving closer to on time, something that very rarely happens.
Gotta Have Faith, Faith, Faith
We got the car loaded, told Jake goodbye and not to burn down the house as we headed out of Woodstock. We were almost to Rockford when traffic was down to one lane and basically stopped.
I hadn’t really figured out to work the GPS on my phone and couldn’t tell if I should take the available upcoming exit to my right or stay the course.
Tammy the Clairvoyant told me to take the exit, which of course I didn’t.
Tammy: You should have faith in me.
Me: You didn’t know if it would get me to 90.
Tammy: I knew it prolly was overr there. Rockford’s up there and over there.
After sitting there for what seemed like an hour (prolly only 10 minutes), Tammy’s frustrations finally surfaced as she yelled, “I don’t understand where all of these people are going anyway.”
Worst Thing Ever About Driving with Jason (by Tammy)
The indented section is written from notes made by Tammy.
It’s not officially a trip if we don’t get lost at least once. I was just surprised that it happened so early in the trip. After following the directions from the GPS on his phone he realized he was lost and turned around.
Me: Make a decision, follow your phone or the map.
Jason: Well I don’t know.
Jason: I’ll just go the way I know.
Me: Yea (shaking head).
He turned into a dead-end road to mess with his phone and decides to head back to get on the road he knows and we finally seem to be on the right path, or so I thought.
He freaked out again…
Jason: My phone isn’t working again.
Me: Oh God, leave it alone.
So now he’s going 80, messing with the phone, there’s a car in front of us, a semi to the right and HE’S TRYING WITH HIS KNEES!!!
This drives me nuts!!
That’s What You Get
As we were turning off 74 on 57 at Champaign, we saw a line of police cars on the side of the ramp. We looked over and saw that an 18-wheeler and flipped as it was going down the ramp. That’s when Tammy’s compassionate side kicked in.
Tammy: That’s what you get for going to fast!!
Tammy: Unless he fell asleep.
You know This Song?
Since Tammy was “tired of listening” to talk radio, she commandeered the radio for the drive from Champaign down to Sikeston, Mo. (our stopping point for the night). That meant the night was filled with songs I had never heard before (big surprise). But before the night was over I had heard some of them 3-4 times.
Tammy knew nearly every song that came on and would start singing (or humming) along. I couldn’t believe that she knew all of the songs. At one point she was singing along to Dolly Parton’s “Island’s in the Stream” when, after singing through the chorus, she said “I hate this song. The only reason I’m listening is because it’s Dolly Parton.”
What I learned from listening to the radio is that Katy Perry is apparently popular. She likes Fireworks and wants to have alien babies. The Blacked Eye Peas are addicted to something. And apparently Tammy has been going out to nightclubs without me.
In between her dance moves and workout routine, Tammy would stretch her legs and put her feet on the dashboard. I noticed she was staring her big toes, moving them then holding them still, moving them, holding them still. She noticed that there seemed to be some wrinkles on the side of one toe that apparently wasn’t there earlier.
Tammy: I’m getting older by the second. Look at my toes, they didn’t look like that five minutes ago.
I wish I could remember the song that came on, but I do know that it was from the early 80s, when Tammy started up her “exercises” again. Or I thought they were exercises…
Tammy: I did a pom-pom routine to this in high school. I don’t remember it. I’m just pretending that I do. Maybe that’s why I didn’t make the team.
You Get What You Deserve
There were a couple of times we’d pass a car and Tammy would turn to me with her face contorted into her interpretation of the driver we just passed.
Me: You’re mean.
Tammy: No I’m not. YOU are mean.
Me: I didn’t make fun of them.
Tammy: Yeah, but you make fun of everybody. If I make fun of you it’s because you deserve it.
Did You Do It?
At our first gas stop of the evening Jason went to get gas on the wrong side of his car. He’s had this car for nearly 2 years now and you can’t remember what side gets gas?
As he was getting gas, I went inside and started to get a little scared as I entered the bathroom. First, the door didn’t lock, then the hand dryer nearly blew my wedding ring off my hand. But it was the combination of the condo machine on the wall, complete with Lifestyles, Rough Riders, Delicious Scents and Extend for him, and the big exact weight scale that had me wondering what type of town we had stopped in.
I guess people think that women want to weigh themselves, either before or after, buying condoms.
Tammy tells me about all this as we’re looking at the snacks in the gas station. She tells me they even have a chart that tells you how much you SHOULD weigh based on your height.
Me: Did you do it?
Tammy: Pssshh… No. It costed a quarter.
Tammy decided she wanted some “gummy stuff” for the last leg of the trip down to Sikeston. She picked out some blue colored sharks and I grabbed a back of gummy peach rings and we headed to the counter.
We got back in the car and Tammy began playing the sharks, making it look like they were swimming, before she ate them. Songs would come on that Tammy knew and she’d pop in a shark while she was singing. I think I had reached for my fourth peach ring when I realized Tammy had eaten a LOT of sharks.
Tammy: I’ve only got two sharks left, so I’m gonna save them.
Me: Why? Because that way you can say you didn’t eat the whole bag?
Tammy: Well, duh? I wonder how much sugar are in these things?
Tammy: Oh crap. There’s 24 grams in 2.5 sharks.
Me: That can’t be right.
Tammy: Oh wait, that’s the servings.
Me: How many sharks are in a serving?
Me: And you’ve got two left?
Me: So you’ve just eaten over 50 grams of sugar.
Tammy: I don’t want to talk about it.
Normally when we’ve been driving for over 7 hours, I’m getting to listen to my music because Tammy has passed out. That wasn’t the case this time around.
We’ll Take It
We stopped in Sikeston and I went to see if one of the hotels had a room. The only room available was a smoking King which I decided to take.
I guess because Illinois is such a no-smoking state I didn’t think the smoking room would be THAT bad. That thought was quickly blown out of my mind as we opened the door. The stench of stale smoke hit us both in the face and I wondered if we could get our money back.
We both figured it wouldn’t be THAT bad and settled in for the night. Besides, one of the reasons I wanted to stay there was because they had a breakfast buffet so I figured it’d be worth toughing it out for a night.
What Does This Smell Like?
We made it through the night, went down for the breakfast buffet and headed back up to the room to get our stuff before heading to Tupelo.
We had been wondering if our clothes would smell like smoke. As we were walking from our room to the elevator I leaned over and smelled my shoulder to see.
Tammy: Do you think we stink?
Me: I don’t. You do because you didn’t put on deodorant.
Tammy: I didn’t.
Tammy’s “I didn’t” wasn’t a question. Instead it was a statement of fact. I know this because as she said it she looked down at the ground and pouted a little.
First thing she did when we got in the car was correct the problem.
We made it down to Tupelo a little after noon. We spent some time in the pool with my Mom and step-sister. Both of us forgot that we are closer to the equator and got a little red from the sun today. Something that we’ll be more careful about when we’re in Gulf Shores this week.
We went out for Mexican with Jason and Melissa, who I haven’t seen in years and had a good time catching up.
Right now Mom and Tammy are sitting outside by the pool talking. I had to come inside because I was sweating. Nearly 9 pm and I was sweating just sitting still.
Nope, don’t miss that AT ALL.