Saturday, August 13, 2011

When Jake and his girlfriend Grace come over I always keep a notepad and pen at arms length and their recent visit didn’t disappoint.

They came over Saturday night to celebrate the removal of Grace’s braces with a dinner of ribs and corn on the cob. Even though I was busy tending to the smoker, I made sure to find time to listen and take notes.

It’s My First Time

Grace has told us that her house is haunted by Ruth, the elderly lady who lived in the house before Grace’s family. She fell down the stairs and died, but wasn’t found until a couple days later.

Apparently Ruth still is hanging around the house closing doors, making noise and causing Grace to have creepy feelings.

A few nights earlier Ruth decided to have a little fun with Jake.

Grace: So the other night I was brushing my teeth and Jake came into the bathroom and said, “I just saw a ghost.”
Jake: That’s not what I said at all. I said I just had my first ghost encounter.

It seems that Ruth decided let Jake know he wasn’t alone as he walked down the hallway.

Jake: I was sitting on the bed and all of sudden all of the hangers in the closet started moving like someone hit them and they all started moving at once.

Personally, I’m jealous of Grace and her ghost, but I’m even more jealous of Jake having his first experience.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished we lived in a house with a ghost, a nice ghost, like Ruth, not an evil one. I’ve been wanting to go back to Gettysburg with Tammy and stay in the Farnsworth House in hopes of having my first time.

Maybe Grace will let me come over someday and place with Ruth.

Fatherly Advice

While Tammy, Jake and Grace were sitting on the couch watching TV and talking, Grace’s phone started ringing.

Grace: Oh man, it’s my Dad.

For the next few minutes we overheard Grace talking with her Dad. Well, it was more like she was listening to her Dad talk. She filled us in on what was discussed after they got off the phone.

Grace: My Dad is so weird, just randomly starts businesses. So apparently Dad just bought two real estate businesses and a landscape company. I told him that maybe someday I’ll have lots of money and be rich too.  That’s when he told me that being rich means being healthy and having people that love you.

Grace and Jake both start laughing as his comment. She went on to say that because she  didn’t completely agree with what he was saying and would rather have money, he tried another angle.

Grace: He then said, “I’m gonna drop dead in a couple of years and I want to teach you how to make money and how to spend it.” Geez Dad, way to be morbid.
Grace: Then he started talking about how he wanted to by stock in Apple for Thomas (her brother) so he can say he owns a piece of Apple. He said he just made $85,000 this week buying a stock then selling it, so now he thinks he could be a day trader.
Jake: What’s that?

That was all the room Tammy needed as she launched into what a day trader is, and how Grace’s Dad made money because of how up-and-down the stock market was that week. She continued telling them that’s what she does at work and told Grace some tips and advice to tell her Dad the next time they talk.

Then she aimed her talk to Jake telling him how he should try and get a job with Grace’s Dad since he seems to be able to make money and maybe he’d learn how to do that too.

Grace: My brothers have all worked for my Dad but he keeps firing them. Then he hires them back.
Tammy: Why does he keep firing them?
Grace: Because they won’t cut their hair.
Me: Jake cuts his hair so he’d be perfect.

Then Grace said as they were wrapping up their conversation he threw her another little nugget.

Grace: Dad said, “I gotta smart brain and I hope you inherited it.”

Gather ‘Round, It’s Story Time

While I was putting the final touches on the ribs, Tammy, Jake and Grace were all standing around talking about Jake’s accidents throughout the years. Tammy was telling about his leg being broken as a baby which resulted in him sleeping with her at night, as well as a call from DCFS.

She also told about how as a baby he got his days and nights mixed up and could only sleep on Tammy’s chest.

Tammy: Maybe that’s why he wants you and me to rub his back all the time.

That comment caused Grace to roll her eyes and let out a long, sighing pleeeeaassseee.

The next thing I know Grace is telling us a story about how she had to give herself the Heimlich on a chair because she was choking on a plum seed.

Grace: I was holding the plum over my mouth because I trying to get the juice and the seed slipped. I had to ram a chair into my stomach to get the seed out. Then Kate called and I was crying and telling her about it.
Grace: Kate said, “I don’t know what I would have done if I had walked in and you were dead.”

Then Jake started telling us about the time he choke on hard candy at his Apple Grandma’s house and his Grandma Bobbie stepped in to save him.

I would have NEVER given him hard candy at that age. Even now I still get nervous when Jake, or anyone for that matter, is eating hard candy. Sometimes Jason and Jake even tease me by saying they are eating hard candy. I tell them that if they choke I won’t help them. But I would… Jake anyway.

Jake: She came running up with her arms waving around and yelled, “Everybody STAND BACK!”

Then Jake reenacted he scene of how his grandmother gave him the Heimlich. He was thrusting his arms back and forth into his stomach and making loud noises, even going so far as mimicking the candy popping out of his mouth.

Jake: It worked, that’s for sure.

Tammy was laughing because while she wasn’t there she could see Bobbie doing excatly what Jake had done..

Jake then started telling us a more recent story about his cousin and sister and how Grandma Bobbie might be unlucky.

Jake: Every time Grandma Bobbie is around, something happens to one of the kids.
Jake: Noah (cousin) started driving off in a golf cart and Immy (sister) decided she wanted to get in so she started running to catch up. When she got close she jumped but wasn’t as close as she thought. She grabbed the back of the cart and held on.

At this point Tammy is laughing hysterically. The kind of laughing where she’s doubled over and barely breathing. She does this often when Funniest Home Videos is showing people falling.

Jake: Noah didn’t know she was on there and she was dragged behind the cart for like 100 yards. I don’t know why she wouldn’t let go. Her arms and legs were all scratched up.

Ribs, It’s What’s for Dinner 

The ribs had been on the smoker since about 11:30 a.m. and around 6:30 p.m. it was time to eat.

As we were sitting around the table eating dinner when Jake starting poking fun at how Grace eats.

Jake: You eat so slow. You’re like your Mom.
Grace: Do NOT say that! I am NOT. She eats like this (Grace then launches into super-slo-motion eating.) Ewwww… That’s like the worst diss ever. She’s so gross.

She legitimately looked disturbed by Jake’s comment.

If the Price is Right

The Sun Drop “Drop it Like it’s Hot” commercial came on TV and Jake went nuts.

Jake: Oh my God!! I hate that commercial so much. Why would anyone want to do that?
Grace: If they gave me $2 million to do the commercial, I wouldn’t do it because I think Jake would break up with me.
Jake: No, for $2 million I’d say you betta do it and give me some of that dough!
Grace: What? You all gansta now?

Things with Animals

Savannah was eating in the kitchen when Jake came in an started messing with her.

Grace: Jake! Stop doing that.
Jake: What? She likes it.
Grace: She doesn’t look like she likes it. I wouldn’t like you poking at my butt. Ewwww… not with your finger!!

Now, I want to go on record and say that what Jake was poking wasn’t Savannah’s butt, it was her taint. When she was younger he’d liked poking it because he said “it feels like memory foam.”

Taint
On a man, the area between the sack and the crack…
On a woman, the area between the giney and the heinie…

Grace comes out of the kitchen and dropped a bombshell on us.

Grace: There’s an animal porn site called zootube.com. It’s got people having sex with dogs and horses and stuff.
Tammy: Ummm, Grace how did you find that?
Grace: My stupid brother told me about it, but he tricked me. He didn’t tell me what it was when he told me go to there.

Apparently that runs in the family because a few weeks ago Grace and Jake pulled the same trick on Tammy with a different website.

Grace Under Pressure

Tammy was sitting at the table with Grace when Jake asked her a simple question that turned the house into Guantanamo Bay North.

Jake: Hey Grace, what’s your favorite team?

Before Grace could answer Tammy looked up at her and whispered for her to say the Colts (Tammy’s favorite team. Or I should say the team with Tammy’s favorite player on it.).

Grace: The Colts.
Jake: What?!

With that he rushed up behind Grace, grabbed the back of the neck and began the interrogation.

Jake: Who’s your favorite team Grace?

Apparently Jake found some crazy pressure point on Grace’s neck because she was locked up. Her shoulders were next to her ears and her arms were locked straight down her side. Her eyes went glassy and she had a crazy smile on her face. She was laughing, but in a creepy, deep, melodic way.

Jake: Who’s your favorite team Grace? Who’s your favorite team Grace?
Grace: The Bears!! The Bears!!

Jake released the hold and it was over. Well, kind of.

Grace: Ahhh, geesh… Dating abuse. Lets’s see how YOU like it!!

With that she grabbed the back of Jake’s neck and tried with all of her might to cause him to have the same reaction. Jake just laughed at Grace’s attempts and when she gave up he started gloating.

Jake: I just ownded you!

He then tried to cuddle up next to Grace, but she got her revenge.

Grace: Oh no you don’t. Don’t be trying that. You’ve got to earn trust back.

She walked away from him and came over to us to recover.

Grace: Oh my gosh, my heart is beating like a million miles a minute right now.

Who Does She Like More

They then started playing their game of “Who Does Savannah Like More?” where they sit on opposite ends of the room and call Savannah. Whoever she goes to first is the winner.

This time around Savannah went to Grace and she was overjoyed!

Grace: HAHAHA!!! She came to me!! Hey Tammy, look at me I’m winning!!

That’s when Jake started playing dirty and picked up one of Savannah’s toys which got her and Grace’s attention.

Grace: Noooooo!!! Saaaavaaannnnaaaahhhhh…

Then I heard something hit the floor. I turned to see Grace, who had been sitting in a chair, now on all fours in the floor.

Grace: I was holding onto Savannah’s hips and when she took off cause Jake was waving her toy she pulled me into the floor.

Of course Tammy was laughing hysterically while Grace told what happened.

Once Upon a Potty (for him) 

After everyone regained their composure, Tammy brought out the gift she bought for Baby G’s first birthday.

One of the gifts was a book called, “Once Upon a Potty” that illustrates a kid learning how to use the bathroom.

It brought back fond memories of Grace’s childhood.

Grace: Oh, I love this book!! I wanted the girl version, but I got stuck with the boys’ version because of my stupid brothers.

They then started flipping through the pages of the book which, for those who haven’t see it, shows a kid going to the bathroom. Considering that it’s a book on potty training that doesn’t sound odd, except for the fact that they aren’t going in a toilet.

Grace: Who goes in a milk jug?

Yup. The Once Upon a Potty kids relieve themselves in what appears to be a hybrid between a milk jug and bedpan. I can only imagine all of the little surprises parents have found in their potted plants and cookware thanks to this book.

As Grace was nearing the end of the book she began to get sad at knowing she wasn’t going to see her little friend for a while.

Grace: Bye bye wee wee. Bye Bye Poo-poo.

With that she closed the book.

Hunting Big Game

Because it was so hot upstairs without the AC on combined with the fact that Tammy was watching one of her shows I went down to the basement where Jake was watching the Bears preseason game.

I was down there a few minutes when Grace asked me about one of our Xbox 360 games.

Grace: What’s the African Safari game like?
Me: You hunt different animals in Africa.
Grace: Oh. That sounds fun.

I knew what that meant. She was bored with the game and wanted to do something else. I told her she’d have to check with Jake since he was watching the game. He said he didn’t care so we loaded up the game.

I was telling Grace about the different animals she could hunt and showed her some of the “dangerous” animals in the game.

Grace: Oooo… I wanna hunt elephants.

I loaded up the elephants and helped her change her weapon and she was off wandering the African safari in hunt of an elephant to kill.

When she spotted one she aimed her gun, not really at the elephant, fired and missed. This cause another elephant to charge toward her.

Me: Look out!! Here he comes!!
Grace: Oh no… Oh no… Crap… Crap…

She pulled the trigger and dropped the elephant right in front of her.

Grace: Whoa… that was so cool.

She then went on hunts for hippos, lions, leopards and crocodiles. She killed two rhinos while hunting for the hippos, killed two lions and was mauled repeatedly by the leopards.

Grace: I don’t like hunting the leopards. They’re stupid.

At some point during our safari, Jake went upstairs and complained to Tammy.

Jake: Now they are playing a stupid video game and I won’t be able to watch the end of the game.
Tammy: Who?
Jake: Grace and Jason. She never even plays video games.

Grace had started another hunt when Jake came back downstairs and said they needed to go because they were going to the movies with another couple.

She passed over the controller and said it was up to me to get the last whatever it was we were hunting.

They left and I headed upstairs to finish cleaning up and spend the rest of the night relaxing with Tammy.