Don’t Touch My Wife’s P^ssy!!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Tonight Tammy and I were the intended targets of intimidation tactics from our neighbor.

We were standing in the kitchen making dinner and when we looked out of the window there was no mistaking what we saw.

A neighbor that lives a couple of houses down was standing in her front yard with her eyes burning holes into our window while our cat, Kiara, stood in the grass near her feet.

That's MY @&#%®§ CAT!!

When Tammy saw her, she went ballistic.

Tammy: Seriously? That skank’s standing over Kiara watching her take a dump in the neighbor’s yard and staring at us.
Me: (laughing) Oh yeah she is, look at her.
Tammy: She’s intimidating Kiara to make sure she doesn’t come over here.

While we were making our plates, Tammy kept looking over her shoulder to see if the neighbor was still there. She was.

She looks like the kind of person
that would let a cat lick peanut butter off her.

Tammy: Look at her, she’s just staring over here.
Me: She prolly saw Kiara sitting in our window yesterday and got mad.
Tammy: But it’s MY @&#%®§ CAT!! And she doesn’t even let her go inside.
Me: You don’t know that.
Tammy: I do to. You don’t drive by their house in the morning like I do to see if Kiara’s sitting out there.
Me: So you’re cat stalking them?
Tammy: No, she’s the one that’s cat stalking. They know it’s our cat. “Camaro Boy” has seen her outside with us a bunch of times. He knows it’s ours.
Tammy: Seriously, who doesn’t know it’s not our cat?
Me: I think you just double-negatived me so I’m not sure how to answer that.
Tammy: I wish I had something to throw at you right now.

We nicknamed the man that lives in the house Camaro Boy because when it’s warm outside he drives an early-90s model Camaro blasting the Pet Shop Boys or Depeche Mode.

The Intimidator is almost a foot taller than Camaro Boy and in some ways has more manly features than he does, but we aren’t sure if she his wife or his sister/cousin. Regardless Tammy doesn’t like them.

Tammy: Plus she looks like the kind of person that would let a cat lick peanut butter off her.

While it’s true that technically Kiara is our cat, she has been more of a neighborhood nomad over the past 4-5 months. She started wanting to go outside to sit in the sun a few summers ago and as the days passed by she got bolder and ventured out of our yard.

It got to be where we wouldn’t think twice if she stayed out all night because she’d always by sleeping on the the patio or in the driveway the next morning. I even “affectionately” nicknamed Kiara, “Skanky” because of her whoring around all night.

Tammy: She wouldn’t even have been an outside cat if you weren’t scaring her and chasing her around all the time.

The times when we would keep her in the house often resulted in an argument because I’d find where Kiara had crapped on the carpet in the basement. She’d have a perfectly clean litter box (most of the time) but she preferred to drop her turds on the floor.

There were times I even stepped in her presents (in my Crocs) as I walked to the laundry room, which of course Tammy found humorous.

Tammy: If you’d look where you were going you wouldn’t have that problem.
Me: I shouldn’t HAVE to look because there shouldn’t be turds on the floor.

It got so bad that I even contacted someone who works with a local animal shelter to see if they would take her. Obviously they didn’t.

At some point Kiara found her way over to the The Intimidator’s house and they took a liking to her. The second we’d let Kiara outside she’d dart down the driveway, across the street and under our neighbor’s patio to get to her second home.

I don’t have a clue how they treat her, but from what I can tell they definitely feed her better than we do. I can’t tell you how many times Kiara showed up with people food like whole brats, hot dogs and even a huge fried chicken breast.

She got so used to people food that she’d eat through bags of bread or anything else that was left on the counter.

Then there was the time she stole my burger off a plate that was sitting right next to me while I was playing video games. When I realized what she had done, I began a game of chase that ended with Kiara in hiding for the next 8+ hours.

It was around this time that I told Tammy we HAVE to get rid of the cat because if we didn’t I was going to kill her.

So… I don’t really have a problem seeing Kiara going to live somewhere else if it means no more minefields in the basement and that my burgers will remain mine.

Tammy on the other hand… I can’t tell if she’s more upset that someone else taking care of Kiara or WHO is taking care of her.


As we were getting ready for bed, I saw Tammy look out of the windows in the kitchen. I knew what she was doing and was hoping Kiara wasn’t out there, but she was.

When Tammy saw Kiara she was almost as excited as a kid on Christmas morning. I think she may have even skipped a little as she bolted to the back door.

She was talking to Kiara as she brought her in for the night.

Tammy: See, I knew she didn’t let you in. She doesn’t care about you like I do does she?

I was in the bed by time Tammy came into the bedroom and she didn’t like the comments I made about the cat being inside.

Tammy: Ooohh… I wanna punch you in the balls so hard that you double-over and cry.

I chuckled, but moved the blankets over me for an extra layer of project, just in case.

The hate for The Intimidator continued this morning.

Tammy: Kiara went outside when I let Savannah out this morning and she kept looking “over there’’ when she was drinking some water. It’s cause she’s scared. She’s thinking “Oh man, I hope she doesn’t see me over there cause I’m gonna be in trouble.”

I think Kiara was looking for The Intimidator to rescue her from Tammy or maybe for another piece of chicken.

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3 Responses to Don’t Touch My Wife’s P^ssy!!

  1. Pingback: Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs | The Life of J-Wo

  2. Pingback: The ’80s Called and Wants Its _____ _____ Back | The Life of J-Wo

  3. susielindau says:

    I think Kiara has it pretty darn good. That darn cat! Such a funny post. Thanks for sharing this today!

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