What’s in Your Underwear?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

When Grace and her friend Katie stopped by this afternoon they learned an unexpected lesson.

Earlier today Jake and Grace came over to watch the Bears game with us and left around 3:30 so Jake could go to work. Around 4:30 I found Grace’s keys on table.

I texted to let her know and she said she was stopping by later to pick them up. Around 5:45 she texted that she was on her way with her friend Katie and that “We need to talk to you guys!”

I was in the kitchen when they walked in and saw Grace walk over to Tammy.

Grace: I have something to tell you.
Tammy: Ok?
Grace: I’m pregnant.

Out of fear, she didn’t even wait for Tammy’s reaction.

Best present ever!!

Grace: I’m kiddddinnnngggg….What I’m really wondering is if you have any tighty whities.

Tighty Whities: A synonym for briefs. They are underwear worn for their support purposes, antonym of boxers. The pros of tighty whities are support in gym class and hiding an erection. The disadvantages are that if you are pantsed then your penis will appear smaller. (courtesy of urbandictionary.com)

Not Even BEFORE Labor Day

Tammy: I don’t think so.
Me: I know so. We don’t wear tighty whities in this house.

Captain Underpants has a cape for a reason.

Crystal Lake Central’s homecoming game is this Friday which means Monday begins Spirit Week. There is a different theme each day and the students are encouraged to dress accordingly.

Grace was looking for tighty whities for Monday’s Super Hero Day where she’s dressing up as Captain Underpants. She also asked Tammy if she had a cane for Tuesday’s Senior Citizens Day.

Tammy ran to Jake’s room and started digging into his drawers (no pun intended) to see if he happened to have anything she could use.

I knew her search was pointless because this house has been a tighty whitie-free zone for the past 12+ years.

The Dynamic DO-O

Me: You know WHY we don’t wear tighty whities, right?
Grace: Oh yeah, because guys don’t know how to wipe their butts.

She then began reliving her own personal nightmare.

Grace: I’ve had to fold my brother’s tighty whities and they are so gross.
Me: Yea, but if they were blue you wouldn’t have been able to see anything or know anything was there.
Grace: Gross. The material gets thin back there too.
Me: That’s because he’s been blowing it out (followed by a loud fart sound).
Katie: Ewwww…
Me: He spreads out the fabric a little more each time he does it.
Grace: It’s so gross.
Me: Now you know why WE don’t wear tighty whities.

No-Wash Underwear: The best cure for DBS (Dirty Butt Syndrome). We buy in bulk.

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