I’m One of the Things That Go Bump In the Night

Thursday, Sept. 29, 2011

Around my house if Tammy hears something in the middle of the night the first thing she does is check to see if I’m in bed.

If I’m not there she goes back to sleep.

One of the things she’s learned in our 12+ years together is that the combination of a loud noise and me not being in bed means there’s nothing to worry about.

This morning was one of those times.

Thank You Sir, Can I Have Another

Hit the snooze again please...

Our alarm clock is set to go off 30 minutes before we actually want/have to get up.

Since the clock is on Tammy’s side of the bed, she hits snooze and we grab a few more minutes of sleep only to be awakened by another Top 40, Pop or whatever it’s called today, song blasting through the speakers.

She hits snooze again and we repeat the process 3-4 more times. (Does that make us sadists?)

Due to all of the pillows and blankets on Tammy’s side of the bed I can’t actually see the clock without actually sitting up, which I’m not very fond of doing that early in the morning.

Because Tammy knows I’m not one of those people who can just get up at the same time everyday and would sleep until 9 a.m. if undisturbed, she’s turns into my own personal alarm.

Tammy: It’s five until six.
Me: What? Oh, Ok… (falling back to sleep)
Tammy: It’s six now.
Me: Huh? Crap… I gotta get up.

I’ll Grow Out of It Eventually

Mornings are a little awkward for me.

With that I begin my awkward morning process that consists of me fumbling around for my glasses, swinging my feet to the floor, shuffling my feet around to find my shorts and my Crocs.

The process doesn’t always follow the same order and can also include any combination of me knocking my glasses on the floor and/or not finding my Crocs or my shorts with my feet.

Any of these additions results in me bending over and feeling around blindly on the floor in attempt to collect my things so I can start my morning.

Warm It Up… I’m About To…

Maybe I should to bump it up a little.

This morning the getting out of bed part was pretty uneventful. It was the getting to the bathroom part that proved to be problematic.

As soon as I got out from under the covers I noticed there was a chill in the air. My first thought was to turn on the heater so it wouldn’t be as cold when Tammy got up.

I found the mini flashlight on the table near the thermostat and turned it on so I could see the temperature. It was warmer than I thought so I decided not to turn the heat on.

Then I apparently nodded off when I turned to put the flashlight back on the table. I saw it falling to the ground and was able to catch it. But instead of setting it gently back on the table I set forth a chain reaction of events.

Tammy’s Take

Jason gets up this morning and I hear him whispering.

Jason: shapadbelouting…

I was half-asleep and trying to figure out what I heard.

Me: What is he saying? Probably can’t find the remote.

A few seconds later I hear it — BANG — followed by something hitting the floor — CRASH — that was followed by the sound of another something hitting the floor — BANG — and more whispering.

Jason: Sssshhhhhhh… D@mmit… Sorry… Shebasheba…

Like a Row of Dominoes

I knew I was in trouble...

Instead of putting the flashlight down on the table, I bumped into it and dropped the flashlight.

As I was feeling around for the flashlight, I mumbled to myself that I prolly just woke Tammy up.

Then I heard something hit the table and saw it sliding toward the edge.

I tried to grab it but was too late and it crashed on the floor.

I picked it up, felt around for a spot on the table, bumping into multiple items in the process, while swearing at myself and apologizing to Tammy.

I made sure that nothing else was going to fall and headed off to the shower where I was hoping the hot water would wash the morning’s funk off me.

Tammy’s Take, Pt. II

After I got out of the shower, I decided to ask Jason about the events.

Me: So what did you do this morning that crashed stuff everywhere?

He responded with a dirty look and pursed lips.

Jason: I was checking the thermostat and…

At this point I couldn’t hold back anymore and started snickering because I was picturing everything unfolding.

Jason: What’s so funny?
Me: So you just ran into the table?
Jason: (while walking away) If you’re just gonna laugh then I’m not telling you.

I guess I was right about him hitting the table.

A little while later he tells me about him using the flashlight and starts placing blame.

Jason: It’s all YOUR fault because I was trying to turn the heat on for YOU.
Me: Oh no… this was YOUR fault because I told you last week that I wanted to move the table to the other side of the room.

With that he gave me another one of his looks and walked away.

Stupid Tammy.

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2 Responses to I’m One of the Things That Go Bump In the Night

  1. I walked into a closed door this morning while I was trying to be quiet. Unfortunately, there is no one to blame but myself. Or, I could blame Wonderbutt for making me keep doors closed so he won’t chew up the stuff on the floo- oh, I guess that’s kind of my fault, too.

  2. Annie says:

    The other morning I was staggering to the bathroom in the dark. There is a mirror on the bathroom door and the faint morning light from a window was shining on it at just the right angle so that it looked like the door was open. Half asleep, I smacked right into it.

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