My Ongoing Shrinkage Problems

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Shrinkage is a helpless feeling...

We all know that shrinkage exists, but that doesn’t make any of us feel any better when it happens.

But recently it’s been happening when I’m not expecting it, which I’m not too happy about since it’s causing problems at home.

By time I realize it has happened it’s already too late to do anything about it, leaving me feeling worthless, helpless and embarrassed.

Of course Tammy doesn’t do anything to make me feel any better.

Although I’m not sure how much it would actually help in erasing the problem, which seems to be happening a lot more often.

This Can’t Be Right, Right?

The first time it happened kind of caught me off guard because I thought there was no way this could be right.

Does this look like it will fit me?

But when I inspected a little closer I realized what had happened and went to show Tammy.

She didn’t find the humor in the situation like I did.

Me: Hey, um… I think I did something wrong.
Tammy: Whaaat now?
Me: Um… Is this how this sposed to look? (holding up her sweater)
Tammy: Oh my Gooood… NOOOO!!
Me: Are you sure?
Tammy: Of course I’m sure! How could you think that’s how it should look?
Me: I dunno… Cause you’re so tiny?
Tammy: Well, I guess I got my money’s worth out of the one time I got to wear it.
Me: It may still fit. Maybe you should try it on.

She didn’t say no to my suggestion, but I gathered from the look she gave me that she wasn’t up for a fashion show.

She walked away with her sweater mumbling something about me not washing her clothes anymore and not reading labels.

Oops, I Did It Again

The next time it happened I was the victim.

Does this shirt make my stomach look big?

The day before we had been shopping and I picked up a few new polo shirts to wear to work. Being that I’m anal and can’t wear a shirt without washing it first, I ran them through the laundry.

The majority of my new shirts came out just fine, but there was one in particular that didn’t make it.

Even though I could tell it wasn’t going to fit, I put it on anyway and headed upstairs to show Tammy.

Me: Hey baby, Do you think this shirt is too tight?

Tammy turned around and starting laughing… hysterically.

I thought it was funny, but didn’t think it was as funny as Tammy did.

Me: Looks like Jake just got himself a new shirt.
Tammy: (trying not to laugh) No baby, I think it looks fine.

Now It’s Personal

My dryer is evil I tell you...

It’s recently become apparent to me that my dryer is out to get me.

That’s the only reason I can think of to why some of my shirts are fitting a little tighter than usual.

Not NEW shirts, mind you, but shirts that I’ve had for months, even years.

It’s as if my dryer has been planning this out over the past few months.

It has been shrinking my clothes a little at a time so I wouldn’t notice it right away and thinking I’d never catch on.

Well, I’ve caught on.

There’s no way it could be my pre-bed snacks of cookies and milk, my weekly donut (or 2) consumption, that I haven’t gone running in 2011 or that we’re trying to win Monopoly at McDonalds.

Nope. I just think it’s time to get a new dryer.

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2 Responses to My Ongoing Shrinkage Problems

  1. Jason says:

    i thought this post was going to be about Frequent Shrinkage Disorder. I was hoping I wasn’t alone.

  2. Do you suppose if I took a ride in your dryer that it would shrink me?

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