When I heard my phone alert me that I had a new text message, I had no idea it was the beginning of a fun-filled night.
The text was from Grace asking if we needed anything from Wal-Mart. I responded with what I needed and waited for her to show up.
We were eating dinner when she walked in, sat down at the table and starting going through her bags.
It Feels so Weird
She was experimenting with her new electric toothbrush, while sitting at the table.
Grace: Oh my gosh you guys, this is the most awesome toothbrush ever. It’s got little holes in it so you can breath while you’re brushing your teeth. You know, like when you’ve got a stuffy nose.
She got all excited while she was taking the plastic off the toothpaste she was going to give us.
Grace: You guys are gonna have the whitest teeth ever. They are gonna be so white that they are 3D!!
A Hairy Situation
A few minutes later Grace asked everyone for their opinion on something, but wasn’t to thrilled with the answers she got.
Grace: I need advice about what to do with my hair.
Tammy: Brush it.
Me: Wash it.
Grace: I hate you guys.
It didn’t get her down too long as she quickly changed the subject.
Grace: You wanna know the nicest thing I did today? Well, number 1 was buying you guys toothpaste.
Tammy: You didn’t even know we needed toothpaste.
Grace: Ok, number 2 was, you remember my old babysitter?
Tammy: The one that had an affair with your Mom.
Grace: (laughing) No, not that one. So I did the nicest thing ever. I saw my old babysitter’s Facebook status that said she had run out of gas so I drove over there. I saw her walking and she was crying. It was so sad. So I took her to get gas and then back to her car.
Jake: What? Oh wait, you didn’t do anything for me today.
Tammy: What have you done for her lately?
Pop n’ Fresh
I had told Grace that Tammy wanted some REAL butter, not margarine, to make “real” popcorn (from kernels, not the microwave kind) so not long after she got here she was was ready to pop some corn.
Grace: Hey Tammy, you wanna make some popcorn now?
The next few minutes were filled with sounds of Grace excitedly giggling when she heard the first kernels pop.
When I heard the two of them shrieking I made my way into the kitchen. Grace had pulled her hood over her head and was nervously watching Tammy shaking the popcorn.
Grace: They all started popping and coming out everywhere.
Tammy: It said to keep the lid off a little so air can get it.
Grace: But stuff started shooting out everywhere.
I saw they had everything under control and headed back to the living room. Then I heard Grace coughing and saw her running to the bathroom.
Me: What happened?
Tammy: She started laughing.
Me: She’s in the bathroom choking.
Tammy: She’s fine. She had pop in her mouth when she laughed.
Me: Glad to see you’re concerned.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Grace: Jason, I noticed you haven’t written about me in a while.
Me: You haven’t been that funny.
Tammy: You haven’t been here in a while.
Grace: I see how it is. I bet “the people” are missing me.
Jake: How come you never write about me?
Tammy: You’re in there plenty of times. All of the times you play “Who Does Savannah Love More.”
Jake: Yeah, but how many times have I actually been quoted.
Me: Plenty of times. If you actually read it you’d know.
Do You Smell Something Burning?
The next thing I hear is Jake acting like he is hurt.
Jake: Ooww… Geesh Grace, you just scratched me.
Grace: No I didn’t.
Jake: Oowww, you just did it again.
Grace: You’re such a liar.
Jake: Oh my God, you just did it again, look…
Grace: Oh stop. I didn’t even touch you. You so aren’t funny.
She got up and starting walking toward the kitchen chanting to Jake.
Grace: Liar, liar, pants on fire…
Long Live the Queen?
Grace took the empty popcorn bowl to the kitchen but still was craving something sweet.
Grace: Has anyone tried that new pumpkin thing at Dairy Queen?
Me: Not this year, but I have before. It’s good.
Grace: (looking at Jake) You want to go to Dairy Queen?
Me: Ohhh, Tammy.
Grace: (looking at Tammy) You want to go to Dairy Queen?
Me: She won’t go but she’d like some stuff from there.
Tammy: Look, I’m 42 years old. I can’t eat like that anymore. All that butter I just ate has me feeling like crap. You can eat like that and burn it off in like an hour, but not me. It’ll take me 4 days to burn all that off.
Grace: I don’t need to eat like that either, but I do anyway because it maaakkeeesss me feeeel soooo gooood.
A few minutes later Grace was poking her head in the pantry and I told her where the cookies were. She grabbed them and headed to get some milk when she made an announcement.
Grace: Tomorrow I’m telling myself that I’m starting a diet. I made me some hard boiled aigs, I mean eggs.
The Last Comic Standing
It wasn’t too much longer before Jake was feeling a little down on himself.
Jake: Nobody thinks I’m funny here.
Tammy: Sometimes you’re funny. Just not tonight.
Jake: Grace, you’re just trying to be funny. I know how you are.
Grace: Oooohhh myyy grrrr….
Not long after that I heard Grace asking Jake a question.
Grace: Why do you have so much spit in your mouth?
Jake: I don’t. Mom, do I have a lot of spit in my mouth?
Jake the Impressionist
Jake then stood up in front of the room and started doing his impressions of NFL quarterbacks while tossing a football up in the air.
Since the Bears and Lions were playing, he did Matthew Stafford and Jay Cutler first. That was followed by Aaron Rodgers. But it wasn’t until he starting imitating Peyton Manning that Tammy got involved.
Tammy: Do Peyton.
Jake: I’m not really a football player, I’m actually a coach. The square root of 42 is the number divided by 11 times 17.
Tammy: (imitating Peyton now) Weggie Rayne, uh, Reggie Wayne is running a 90-degree route and will be turning about now.
Jake: (imitating Peyton at the line of scrimmage) Blue 17, Omaha, Omaha, Cliff 43…
Tammy then stood up and started doing her best Peyton-avoiding-the-rush routine. She was holding an invisible ball up and picking her feet up and down to simulate Manning’s “happy feet.”
Tammy: (laughing) Do Drew Brees.
Jake: (squatting down) I can’t see over the line because I’m so short.
Tammy: I used to be a tennis player; that’s why I’m so flexible.
Getting in the Holiday Spirit
During all of the football talk, Grace had moved back to the table. Once everyone settled down she once again asked for everyone’s opinion and once again she regretted it.
Grace: You guys, what should I get for Christmas this year?
Tammy: It’s about giving, not getting.
Grace: I know, but I have to put it on my list.
I Gots The Diabeetus
Somehow the conversation turned to Grace’s brother having diabetes, which caused him to pee his pants.
Grace: My brother peed his pants because he had diabetes.
Tammy: What? I don’t think that peeing your pants means you have diabetes. That’s just him being lazy.
Grace: Ok, we were in the car on the way home from Oklahoma and he just peed his pants and didn’t know why. He was like, “Mom, I just peed my pants.” Then he was all pale and stuff and nearly fainted. The next day we took him to the hospital. Guess what his blood sugar was? It was 80,400. Just kidding it was like 800. He almost died.
Don’t Let the Door Hit You
Not long after that Grace announced that she had to go. Tammy told Jake he needed to walk her out.
Grace: I don’t know why he has to do that. All he does is say, “Well, here’s the door.”
Tammy: Really? He better not say that.
Grace: (laughing) He doesn’t.
With that Jake got up and they headed toward the door and I couldn’t believe it was already 9:30.
The night had flown by and I still had so much to do, like find any unpopped popcorn that Savannah hadn’t hoovered up.