I have long been fascinated with ghosts and often wish we had one (or two) in our house. So you’d think I’d be a big fan of Halloween right?

Wrong.

Hallowed Be Thy Name

Growing up in what I call the Bible Heart (the Bible Belt sounds like something used to keep pants from falling down) I was at church every time the doors were open, and sometimes when they weren’t (shh, don’t tell anybody).

I was taught about how bad the devil is and the evils of the rock and roll. We were also taught that Halloween has a “dark side” (not the cool Darth Vader kind though) and is more than just dressing up in costumes.

While we were taught some of the pagan meanings behind Halloween we were never told we couldn’t or shouldn’t go trick or treating.

But that’s not the reason I don’t like Halloween.

I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts

It’s not because I had some scary moment on Halloween that traumatized me to the point of hating it.

In fact, I love ghosts. Well, I guess I should say that I prolly would love a ghost if we had one in our house or I encounter one in the future.

I don’t know when the fascination started, but I remember wanting to see a ghost when I was somewhere between the age of 10–14 and would stay at my grandparent’s house.

I had no reason to think their house was haunted and back then thought that ghosts looked like the floating white sheet with black eyes. But I would lie in bed looking down the hallway thinking and hoping to see a ghost before I drifted off to sleep.

My interests in ghosts fell off a little during my high school and college years but over the past 10+ years it has been bubbling under the surface.

I record countless ghost hunting shows that are on TV. I bought a K2 Meter like they use on Ghost Hunters and even had some cool experiences with it in Gettysburg a few years ago.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told Tammy that I wish we had a ghost, how much I want to go back to Gettysburg and stay in the Farnsworth House, which is supposedly one of the most haunted places in America, that I want to stay at the Brumder Mansion in Milwaukee, which is much closer than Gettysburg and is sposed to have two ghosts or asked her to go ghost hunting with me.

Most common response I get is her shaking her head in disgust but her most recent comment is what had me reeling.

Me: Why don’t you want to stay there (Brumder Mansion)?
Tammy: Because I don’t believe in that stuff.
Me: What? How can you believe that ghosts don’t exist? They wouldn’t have all these shows on if they weren’t real.
Tammy: I’ve just never experienced anything so I can’t say they are real.
Me: I haven’t either, but that’s why we need to stay there then so we can experience stuff.

That got her head shaking again.

So while I know there’s sposed to be spooky stuff on October 31, I don’t buy that they all come out then so it’s not enough of a reason for me to like Halloween.

The Portal to Hell

I know I could use a Ouija board to get in contact with spirits, but I don’t mess with them.

I used a Ouija board once with some friends back in 9th-10th grade and it got some pretty weird answers that freaked us (maybe it was just me) out.

Maybe the reason I don’t play with them is because something sunk in during all of the times I was getting my churching on.

I remember being told that Ouija boards are bad and that playing with them can open doors for demons to communicate with us. That combined with my one-time use was enough for me to leave them alone.

I ain’t looking for no demons. I’m more in the market for the friendly, neighborhood, Casper-type ghost that might make stuff go missing every now and then, turn the lights off and on or make noises in the attic.

So if any of you know of someone like that I’m currently accepting applications.

Can You Spare Some Change?

Back when the kids were younger Tammy was more excited about the whole giving out candy thing because she liked seeing the little kids in their costumes.

Truth be told, I even got into it a couple of times and moved speakers outside so people heard scary music as they came to the door.

But over the past few years I’ve grown to dread October 31.

Halloween has become The Beggars Holiday.

Boo Humbug

I know, I know, I’m a horrible person.

I’m sure your kid is cute and was really excited about being Buzz Lightyear. So were 10 other kids in the neighborhood.

Ohhh, it’s another spooky vampire. Apparently you don’t know that vampires are stupid but I’m sposed to give you candy anyway.

Oh wow, that’s a really fancy costume. Looks like it cost you a lot of money. Your parents must really hate you. If they had used your costume money on candy instead you would have had a lot more than you do now. Plus you could be enjoying it right now because you wouldn’t have to walk around knocking on strangers’ doors.

Umm, that beard looks real. Just how old are you? That’s not even a costume and that’s a pillowcase. But let me give you some candy because you’re standing at my door on October 31.

I’ve heard people on TV and the radio talking about how it’s wrong to give the fun-size candy bars and that we should be giving the full-size ones instead. How bout I give you my full-sized foot into your fun-sized crotch?

Seriously, I’m sposed to go spend money on candy that I have to give away to people I don’t know? I don’t even like giving change to people standing at red lights/stop signs and they’re sposedly there for charity.

And it better be the good candy because no one likes getting raisins or the cheap candy anymore.

Look you little beggar, regardless if it’s the “good” Halloween candy or the cheap stuff I’m the one taking a loss and you’re getting it for doing nothing more than walking up to my door and holding out a bag.

You’re Early, Come Back Later

It seems as if the tradition of Beggar-ween is starting earlier each year. It used to be that you went out on October 31 and it didn’t matter what day it fell on.

But now I have to worry about someone coming to my door starting on Saturday and it continuing through Monday night.

I blame all of the overprotective parents. They are the same ones that don’t want to keep score at sporting events so everyone wins and there aren’t any losers. Don’t get me started…

Because I’m not sure when my town has deemed begging acceptable it kinda throws a kink in my anti-Beggar-ween plans.

We’re Going Dark

Last year Halloween was on a Sunday so I knew we’d start seeing beggars popping up in the neighborhood sometime that afternoon.

We didn’t even buy candy last year so my plan was to got into Stealth Mode and make our house invisible.

Because our doorbells don’t work (yes, it was another not-so-handyman moment) I considered the outside covered. They could push the doorbell until their fingers went numb for all I cared because I couldn’t hear them and if I couldn’t hear them I didn’t have to answer the door.

I closed the garage doors and pulled down all of the blinds and shades in the house so it looked like no one was home. Invisible.

Despite all of the signs people still walked up to the door and rang our doorbell, at least that’s what I think they did. There were even times where people started knocking on the door because we didn’t answer.

Really? If I didn’t answer the door within 3 seconds after you rang the doorbell then move along. You knocking on my door only showed me that you are who I thought you were.

Smoked Out

Everything was going as planned until I got hungry.

We were planning on staying upstairs while the sun was out but would go to the basement once it got dark.

Sometime around 5 pm I decided to make myself a hamburger with my recently purchased Xpress Redi Set Go.

I headed to the kitchen and set things in motion. We don’t have blinds on our kitchen windows so I would duck down to avoid detection.

I had never made a burger in the Xpress Redi Set Go and I soon realized I shouldn’t have tried.

I was standing in the living room relishing in our deception and anticipating the juicy burger that was only a few minutes away when it started.

I ran into the kitchen, grabbed a towel and started waving it in front of the blaring smoke detector. Once I got it to stop, I turned to open a window in hopes the smoke would quickly escape.

It didn’t.

The smoke detector started going off again, but now that I had the window open, my cloak of invisibility was gone.

I waved the screaming beast silent again and opened the window wider before turning my attention to the traitor amongst us.

As I unplugged the Benedict Arnold the beast let forth its shrill sound. I looked out the window and could see the people standing at the neighbor’s (the Rice’s) front door looking toward my house.

I smote the beast again and removed its innards so it wouldn’t betray me anymore. I looked into the living room and realized I had fallen victim to the Halloween lore.

My lack of treats caused me to be tricked.

Black Ops in 2011

I may have been defeated last year but it was only because some shady appliances sold me out.

But I’m prepared this year.

The doorbell still doesn’t work so that’s good. The garage doors will be closed as will all of the shades, so far so good.

But this time around I’m heading to the basement BEFORE the sun goes down. I’ll be taking a cooler with me along with snacks that don’t need to be cooked/heated to enjoy.

The invisible cloak will be back in business.

I just hope Savannah doesn’t sell me out this year.