Dear Mr. Bathroom Guy,

I don’t know who you are, but I’m hoping this letter finds you and opens your eyes to your disturbing behavior.

Bathroom Guy's business card.

We all get it, you’re one of those germaphobe people.

I don’t mean that in a bad way so don’t send the Germaphobe Nation after me with their medical masks, rubber gloves and hand sanitizer.

I can respect that being afraid of germs is part of who you are just as being afraid of open heights is part of me.

While I don’t have the same fear of germs, I don’t have a problem with the fact that you do.

I Think I Just Got Some Germ On Me

A recent study listed some of the germiest “everyday objects” and it was enough to make my non-germaphobe skin crawl.

I’m also pretty sure there was an increase in the purchase of masks, gloves, sanitizer and Hazmat suits in the days after the study made the news cycle.

Gas: Making the world a horrible place one pump at a time.

There are lots of disgusting people out there leaving their DNA on so many public places that it’s a wonder we haven’t been wiped out yet.

Don’t Do It on Account of Me

I know there are a lot of Fake Hand Washers out there (you know who you are) who use their disgusting, soiled hands to open the bathroom door when they leave.

I guess they think we can’t tell the difference between the sounds of someone really washing their hands and the courtesy splash they give when other people are in the bathroom.

I get how it can be overwhelming if you think about how they just opened the door with the same hand(s) they were using someplace else and how you prefer to NOT touch the door with your clean hands, being a germaphobe and all.

I can even understand you wanting to use a paper towel multiple paper towels to protect yourself from some random’s DNA.

But your actions recently have left me scratching my head.

It’s OK, It’s Just MY Germs

I don’t understand how someone who is afraid of germs so much that they use paper towels to open the door can be OK with just leaving your used towels on the floor for someone else to pick up.

I guess that doesn’t matter to you as long as you escape the Germiville petri dish unharmed.

Exhibit 1 (11.04.11)

Exhibit 1a (11.04.11)

Come to think of it, you’re prolly the same guy who leaves the tapestry of toilet paper on the toilet seat when you’re finished instead of flushing it.

I hate sitting on a warm bowl myself (I might as well have pressed my bare ass against whoever was sitting before me), so I guess I can understand you not wanting to contaminate your exposed skin by coming in contact with the toilet seat.

But c’mon, it’s not like it’s some piece of art to be admired by others and they sure aren’t going to reuse it, so get rid of it before you exit the stall.

I’ve noticed your droppings (paper towels) and toilet art before, but it seems as they are pooping popping up a little more frequently.

Exhibit 2 (11.14.11)

Exhibit 2b (11.14.11)

Note: I swear I don’t take my phone into the bathroom (often… haha).

Revenge: A (Petri) Dish Best Served… 

I admit that my first reactions to seeing your handy-work were vindictive in nature.

Oh man, that was a juicy one. Did I get any on you?

I wished I knew who you were so I could start a conversation with you and sneeze so suddenly that I wouldn’t have time to cover my mouth.

Or maybe not dry my hands after washing them then grab your hand and tell you that I need your help because I just dropped my keys in the toilet.

If I knew who you were I could take a big glob of Vaseline and smear it under your door handle as a little “on the way home” surprise for you.

A little of this under that = fun times

This would NOT be limited to Vaseline. Other usable substances: Vick’s Vapor Rub, peanut butter, marshmallow creme, caramel, butter, hair gel, dog poop (to be used only in extreme cases).

It really is a shame that I don’t know who you are because I could have a lot of fun with you. So, instead I decided to come up with some possible solutions.

I’m Here to Help

The upside down handle.

Because I know you aren’t the only person out there afraid to touch stuff, I took to the interwebs.

I was amazed at some of the items invented just for people with the same affliction as you.

The upside down handle is one option, but I don’t know how easy it would be to convince the building owner to swap them cause you’re afraid of the ones we have.

Another option I found is putting a handle at the bottom of the door so people could open it with their feet.

Would you have to throw out your shoes?

But again, I don’t know if the owner would go for this and I KNOW you wouldn’t install them because you may have to come in contact with the bathroom floor.

Normally heard by wives everywhere. (HAHA... I'm kidding)

Then I came across this item and thought this could be the winner.

It would allow you to stay within your germ-free comfort zone by allowing you to open the door hands free.

I know you’re thinking that the germs would just be transferred to your Handler and you’d be wrong.

The Handler uses Nano Silver Particles that “inhibit the growth of bacteria, mold, fungi and other microbes that could cause degradation, odors, stains and discoloration on the handler’s surface.”

I can sense your skepticism, but don’t take my word for it.

It’s on the interwebs so it HAS to be true.

If you don’t like the Handler, there’s another option that’s easy and won’t cost you a penny.

THROW THE PAPER TOWELS AWAY WHEN YOU GET TO YOUR DESK!!!

Or you could try this option from The Oatmeal.