Over the past few years I’ve talked to Tammy about turning the back room of our basement into a panic-type room that would be filled with supplies.
She often laughed me off, but thanks to Doomsday Preppers on National Geographic, she’s starting to change her tune.
Sparked Her Interest
Saturday night between the Final Four games we watched an episode I had recorded when Tammy saw that one of the preppers had a stun gun.
Tammy perked up when she saw the the high-voltage display.
Tammy: You know what I need? I need a Taser. Oh, and a 9 millimeter so I can shoot myself. ’Cause do we really want to live if things get that bad?
Me: I’m not getting you a gun then.
Tammy: But think about it. Do we want to live if we can’t get water and stuff? I can’t have babies so I ain’t gonna be good for helping repopulate the planet.
Me: You’d be good for other stuff and you don’t want to kill yourself.
Tammy: You’re right. I’d prolly have to get you to do it for me.
Me: I wouldn’t do that.
Tammy: (completely ignoring my comment) And shoot me twice ’cause I’d be pissed if I ended up a vegetable.
During a commercial break I handed Tammy the BudK catalog I got in the mail a couple of days ago.
Making a List, Checking It Twice
What followed next was Tammy calling out items for her “When the Sh!t Hits the Fan” wishlist.
Tammy: I found 3 things on the first page alone.
Me: Like what?
Tammy: The 1-million volt stun gun, the survival saw and these emergency blankets.
Me: (after I saw what she was talking about) I have those already.
Tammy: You do? Then why am I not wearing one already? I’m always cold so I want want of these just to wear around the house.
I asked if she wanted pink when she mentioned wanting some pepper spray.
Tammy: No. I don’t people to know I’m a girl.
She had a specific brand of pepper spray that she wanted (“the Dominator”) but started to get worried about carrying it in her purse.
Tammy: My luck I’d be looking for stuff in my purse and accidentally spray it.
Me: You prolly would, but that’s not why I don’t want you to have it. I don’t want you to have the stun gun either.
Me: ’Cause you’d get mad at me for something then sneak up behind me and spray me then use the stun gun.
Tammy: No I wouldn’t. Well, I prolly wouldn’t, but I’d threaten you with it. But I want you to think that I’d use it because then you’d always be afraid of me.
Why’s Everybody Always Picking On Me
That didn’t surprise me, but I was shocked at what really got Tammy excited.
Tammy: We need that (the Master Key Locksmith Auto Jigglers Door Opener)
Me: For what?
Tammy: So we can steal cars.
Tammy: Yeah, so we can steal cars. Not now but when the sh!t hits the fan, ’cause I ain’t walking.
Me: But that lock thing is $20. That’s too much.
Tammy: Not if you can get a car with it.
She then launched into an imaginary scenario.
Tammy: Ma’am we don’t know how your car got stolen. “I do. The Master Lock.”
A few minutes later she found another pick set.
Tammy: Oh Lord!! This one is for picking doors!
The Walking Wounded
She continued to flip through the magazine but none of the various knives, axes or machetes got her attention.
She stopped when she found something she’s been wanting for a long time.
Tammy: My zapping cane is $90.
Me: I know, that’s why I didn’t get it for you, ’cause I knew you’d yell at me.
Tammy: (still staring at it in the magazine) Yeah, but that thing’s so awesome though.
I thought about getting her the cane for Christmas but decided it against it. My reasoning is that she’d blind me with the flashlight then zap me.
Tammy continued to flip through the pages but after a few minutes of silence she asked me a question.
Tammy: Do you want a pair of Vietnam jungle boots?
Me: Sure. Who doesn’t like a good pair of boots?
Not long after that Tammy was done prepping and closed the catalog.
Tammy: Whew, all this prepping’s made me sleepy.
Now I see why we need to get the Master Key Locksmith.