Busted: Caught Cheating on My Wife

Walking with Tammy is almost always entertaining and last night’s stroll was no different, even if it did take an unexpected turn.

The walked started with our normal small talk about what she did at work, what I did at home and what we’d do if/when we win the lottery, although we struck out on this round of Mega Millions and Powerball.

This isn’t what I had in mind…

It wasn’t until I brought up what happened the previous night that things took a turn for the worst.

Me: My legs were hurting last night because I had been walking the day before?
Tammy: You were?
Me: Yeah.
Tammy: I can’t believe you were “Cheater Walking!” What time did you go?
Me: Around 8:30 [a.m.].
Tammy: Where did you go?
Me: My old route by the school.
Tammy: How far did you walk?
Me: About 3 miles.
Tammy: How long did it take you?
Me: I dunno, maybe 45 minutes.
Tammy: 45 minutes?!?! You were walking FAST!!

She stewed for a few seconds before peppering me with questions again.

Tammy: How much weight have you lost?
Me: I dunno, I haven’t weighed myself.
Tammy: I’m gonna be pissed if you start losing weight and get all in shape.
Me: Would you be mad if I was lifting weights instead?
Tammy: Maybe a little bit.
Me: (laughing) So if I was lifting weights you would be OK, but you aren’t OK with me walking.
Tammy: Yeah, pretty much. Plus, you’ve been walking during the day and have stamina. Then when you walk with me at night I won’t be able to keep up.

If I’m gonna be fat and bloated then you should be too.
— Tammy

Naturally

The next thing I knew she was blaming Mother Nature.

Tammy: And because the stupid cloudy weather in the morning doesn’t wake me up at all. I don’t wanna set the alarm.
Me: I’ve been setting the alarm every night.
Tammy: I KNOW!! I mean I don’t want to set the alarm for 5 [a.m.]. Because that never works. I have to just get up on my own. It’s just been such a blah day in the mornings lately that I just don’t want to get up.

Then she started blaming me again.

Tammy: Then today you rolled over like this, and I was like, “Ehhh, just as I was about to get up.”
Me: And I holded you?
Tammy: NO!
Me: (laughing) No?
Tammy: No. I was gonna hold you, but it was too late and I had to get up.

She paused again before trying to get back at me.

Tammy: If I could get up at 5 I’d do TurboFire without you.

Da Coach

It was around this time that I decided to ask Tammy if she wanted to walk a little further than our normal walking distance.

Me: Do you wanna walk down there?
Tammy: Down where?
Me: To the school.
Tammy: We’ll see.
Me: I’m trying to hep.
Tammy: Yeah, but my legs are hurting, so we’ll see.
Me: It’s cause you haven’t built up any stamina.
Tammy: I KNOW!! Jerk!!
Me: Why don’t we just go up to the top of the hill up there and we can turn around at the parking lot.
Tammy: Whatever.
Me: (laughing) Whatever…  Are your legs hurting?
Tammy: Yes.
Me: Well, we can slow down.
Tammy: (pause) I dunno, can you?
Me: I can. I’m just trying to keep the pressure on… to coach.
Tammy: I don’t need you to coach me! I NEVER needed you to coach me. I just needed you to take the ride with me.
Me: (laughing) Take the ride…
Tammy: I don’t like when you coach me.
Me: I know.
Tammy: “I’m pushing you, I’m pushing you.” SHUT UP! I hate that.
Me: I know you do.

A little while later we were walking and my phone told us we had walked a mile in 19 minutes, 49 seconds.

Tammy: Ohhhh, I’m sorry, are we not walking fast enough for yoooouuuu?

Let’s All Wait

I decided to try and change the subject in hopes of taking her mind off my Cheater Walking.

Me: We need to go somewhere haunted.
Tammy: YOU need to go somewhere haunted.
Me: But I wanna go somewhere with you.
Tammy: Well, I wanna go WALKING with you.
Me: Well, we are walking.
Tammy: But you won’t wait for me to do that.

It Takes Two

We walked in silence for a few seconds, but I could tell Tammy was thinking about something.

Tammy: If I’m gonna be fat and bloated then you should be too. We talked about that. Remember? We were standing in the kitchen and we said we would grow old and fat together. Remember how much fun we thought that would be?

I laughed about us saying that then told her why I had been doing the extra walking.

Me: I’m worried that I’m gonna have a heart attack.
Tammy: Well, so am I.
Me: You’re worried that I’M gonna have a heart attack?
Tammy: NO! That I am gonna have one too.
Me: Yeah, but it’s not in your family like it is in mine.
Tammy: It’s prolly in there somewhere.
Me: But I can TELL you where it is in mine. Pop died from one. Pappaw had two and Dad had one. I’m due.

As were turned toward the driveway I looked down at my phone and told Tammy how far we had walked.

Me: We’re at 1.64 [miles].
Tammy: Sorry it’s not your usual THREE miles, Jason… (pauses) Jerk.

So now she has me on lock-down.

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12 Responses to Busted: Caught Cheating on My Wife

  1. CaptKitty says:

    Ouch…doghouse!
    Serenade her with a cool walking thing-a-ma-bob

  2. La La says:

    Interestingly, I have had similar discussions haha. Love it.

    • JWo says:

      As she was going off on my I kept telling her I wish I had brought my digital recorder. When she kept going I used the recorder on my phone so I could capture her tirade. I had to make sure I could remember everything correctly. haha…

  3. Do not tick off Tammy. She’s my bud.

    • JWo says:

      The world is NOT ready for the two of you to be within a 5-mile radius of each other. We’d have to expand it to 10 miles if Wonderbutt and Savannah were with you!! hahaha…

  4. hello!,I like your writing very a lot! proportion we keep up a correspondence more approximately your article on AOL? I need an expert on this area to unravel my problem. Maybe that’s you! Taking a look forward to peer you.

  5. Wow that was odd. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t appear.
    Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyway, just wanted to say
    excellent blog!

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