I’ve been at work for over a month now and not only is it good to be back into a routine, but it’s also nice to have “work conversations” again.

Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy my talks with Tammy. But sometimes talking with coworkers can be so random and surprising that it takes a life of its own.

So when one of my coworkers told me he had been posting on Twitter some of the random thing he had heard at work using the hashtag overheard (#overheard) I joined in on the fun.

There are times we will both hear the same thing, instantly look at each other than turn to our computers and start typing while trying not to laugh.

Some of the stuff we hear is only funny because we have the minds of 12 year olds, that we stop listening after one statement or that we take totally out of context, which makes it funny.

So what I’ve decided to do is borrow a format from Young American Wisdom’s “I Heard It On The Bus” and create a weekly format of Things I Have Overheard.

Below is a compilation of Things I Have Overheard from my first month in Memphis, most of them are from work, but there are a few from outside of work as well. You can follow me on Twitter (here) to get the “real-time” updates of Things I Have Overheard.

Things I Have Overheard

If there was ever a time for me to get drunk then tonight (at George Strait concert) would be the night. #overheard

It was like the “first time.” You have everything planned, but it just never works right. #overheard

Like ALL 1st times, U get there & think U know what you’re doing but it gets awkward & you wind up doing something U don’t want. #overheard

I always joke about that game Half Minute Hero. I always say that’s what my girlfriend calls me. #overheard

I don’t like soggy buns… it’s a rule of life. #overheard

I love that this is a room full of dudes… I don’t have to censor myself. #overheard

Sometimes when you stick stuff in there it’ll… stick. #overheard

He just looks older because he hasn’t smiled in a decade. #overheard

If he drank as hard as he lifts weights then I don’t see how he could walk straight. #overheard

CW 1: She will not be thanking you when you have a heart attack.
CW 2: We have good life insurance here don’t we? #overheard

Coworker 1: I feel like there are two trains heading at me in opposite directions.
CW 2: I feel your pain but I have no sympathy. #overheard

Aren’t the attendants, bride maids, whatever they are called, aren’t they sposed to be doing some sh!t? #overheard

I’ve had some very bad thoughts in my head every time I hear that dirt bike go by my house. Serial killers, I get you. #overheard

Do it til it doesn’t look good #overheard

I make no sense… even to me. #overheard

Oh I see how it is, you want the woman to subdue the python for you. #overheard on one of the local news channels morning show.

It’s hard for me to believe that people like that live in this country and in theory had access to the same schools as me. #overheard

Even if I had Twitter, I don’t have a phone that allows me to get on Twitter. #overheard

I’d just as soon not have a phone. Every time I get a call it’s the wrong number… or a prank. #overheard

It’s like my buhhole is throwing up. #overheard

You are making me worse just from sitting by you. #overheard

I’ll occasionally eat my girlfriend’s stuff, also… #overheard

I’ll just have meat tacos. Yeeaaahhh. #overheard

I’ve been cussing you a lot this week… a LOT. I can’t even believe that I came back to you. #overheard

At low RPM that donut is moving in & out of his mouth slowly. At high RM it’s moving in & out of his mouth faster. #overheard

I’m prolly not gonna buy anything anyway because I get intimidated by those nerds. #overheard

It’s a good solid banana. #overheard

As long as it’s solid I don’t care what it looks like. #overheard

I wonder what the ideal time to consume potassium before you need it is. #overheard

I didn’t recognize you with tennis shoes on. #overheard

Coworker #1: It fits in the box doesn’t it?
Coworker #2: That’s questionable. #overheard

I’m not gonna believe for a minute that you can make vegetables taste like meat. #overheard

I just wanna tease you with this massive thing. #overheard

CW 1: Man, i could eat pizza day after day after day. It’s a temptation.
CW 2: Lets go get pizza.
CW 1: No, I don’t want it today. #overheard

I think that Smart Water is just regular water. I don’t really feel any smarter. I do feel more hydrated. #overheard

The first time I played dodgeball was one of the hardest things I EVER had to do. #overheard

My wife is so gross. She eats a big blob of peanut butter with that clear [Karo] syrup, right off a spoon. #overheard

Coworker: Aren’t those [cupcakes] getting old?
Me: Not old enough to kill me. Takes a bite. #overheard

Every conversation starts randomly somehow. Think about it. #overheard

You could tell the drummer still had two arms when they made that one. He did pretty good for a one-arm drummer. #overheard

As waistlines expand in this country, buffets are going to be more and more expensive. #overheard

I’m pretty sure I’ve had a stroke. I’ve notice I struggle saying things. #overheard

I can still wear pants that I wore when I was eleven. #overheard

I might have never got this job if I didn’t have those pants. #overheard

She had a tattoo over her cooch that said, “Slippery when wet,” so she was pretty much down for anything. #overheard

I’ve got a list of holes I’m tryin to get filled. #overheard

I assume the screw part goes at the bottom. #overheard

If you’re 5.5″ and it’s a 3″ box it’s not gonna fit. #overheard

Don’t take it personal, it has nothing to do with your hygiene or anything like that. #overheard

My wife’s Dad walks & talks in his sleep. That’s why I’ve always been afraid he could murder me in his sleep & get away with it. #overheard

I can read and write sign language just fine. #overheard

I ate it faster than the calories can accumulate. #overheard

I suck all the flavor out and it’s just not that good anymore. #overheard

The more I drink water, the more I think “gross, I’m drinking water.” #overheard

Fish oil is just strained minnows, right? #overheard

Moment on the lips, forever on the hips. #overheard

Apparently if you ate like a pound of dirt it would harm you. #overheard

I don’t understand what it is about old people that makes them think they can say anything. #overheard

Male coworker: I’ve been heavy enough that people said things. I never had anybody ask if I was pregnant though. #overheard

Me: You sick?
Coworker: Don’t know, I’m going home to chug OJ.
Me: Shouldn’t have shared [name]’s pickle. This is a no pickle sharing zone. #overheard

Coworker (who lived in a trailer) asked his Dad, “Where does Santa come from?” Dad: He comes up the toilet. #overheard

You’re trying to center the tip and push. #overheard

Hey, she doesn’t look bad for almost 50. #overheard

Guess what size pants I’m wearing… #overheard

I feel like you are less attached to Diet Dr. Pepper than [coworker’s name] is to Mountain Dew. #overheard

You know how I avoid cholesterol problems? I don’t go to the doctor. #overheard

Women are so controlling. [Female name], why are women so controlling? I’m not saying you are controlling though. #overheard

I used to be somebody. I could just sign autographs for everybody. #overheard

You can’t put retards on TV and say that it’s real. #overheard

I bet you can’t guess my jean size. #overheard

I really thought a coworker was showing me her boobs, but turns out she was just asking if she still had hives.

While old people might be boring they are fairly good people and good neighbors. #overheard

If I can choose NOT to talk to somebody, there’s a good chance I’ll choose that. #overheard

I hate it when I spend a lot of time trying to Photoshop sh!t out that’s [actually] on my screen. #overheard

They lay better when they’re flat. #overheard

Coworker: My wife took a 2.5 year old Vicodin last night for a headache but it didn’t do anything.
Me: I’ll take the other half.

I don’t understand scones… they are like flavored rocks. #overheard

Coworker: I’m glad you’re here. There’s a lot more conversation now.
Me: Thanks… (Great, now I’m thinking he thinks I talk too much.)

This is not a 2013 conversation. #overheard

The fact that Steven Tyler is 65 doesn’t sound that old. It’s the fact that he’s only 5 years from 70 that sounds old to me. #overheard

Wal-Mart: Where the white people roam like buffalo… #overheard