To be honest with you I wasn’t really expecting this week to be a very good Things I Have Overheard.
A coworker got married this week and was out of the office, we were wrapping up a big project and I got sick, so I thought for sure I was going to have to skip a week after posting three weeks in a row. See Part I, Part II, Part III.
I REALLY thought there wasn’t going to be much #overheard when my boss started following me on Twitter, where I original post comments when they are first said. Then in the middle of the week my boss presented me with a t-shirt that let me know he knows about being #overheard.
Despite not being 100%, I toughed it out and headed out to our new hangout/neighborhood bar with Tammy to watch the Memphis Grizzlies play. We met up with some friends we met last week, were introduced to some new ones and, of course, had some really good #overheard moments.
With all that being said, I present you Things I Have Overheard this past week. As you’ll see, we were all over the place this week.
Women are tricky. #overheard
Don’t insult my package. #overheard
CW: I can’t bend over.
Me: You can, you just don’t need to. #overheard
She just looks like an old lady in a young person’s body. #overheard
Me: These aren’t hobo M&Ms.
CW 1: What’s hobo M&Ms?
Me: They are M&Ws. #overheard
I’ve yet to have an M&M that I didn’t like. #overheard
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t understand how you are as skinny as you are. #overheard
Hours are worse. Sometimes hours can be crazy. Sometimes an hour can be worse than two. #overheard
We are done. D-U-N. #overheard
You’ll have to push it through from behind. #overheard
Did I ever tell you about how I wanted to get out of Arkansas? But it’s just weird that what I traded it for is Mississippi. #overheard
That’s not to say that cats are smart, because if they were they’d stay out of my yard. They don’t know how much they are risking their lives. #overheard
I think y’all is just easier to say. #overheard
Yesterday was a bad day. It was my first day off Rockstar’s so I think it made me weak. #overheard
I know what highfalutin is sposed to mean, but what is falutin? Is there such a thing as lowfalutin? #overheard
I wanted to try it, but there was too much scary stuff down there. #overheard
I swear my water tastes my gasoline. (pause) I’m kinda worried about drinking it. #overheard
You can find anything on Craigslist and apparently it gets pretty weird too. #overheard
Do you have a problem with watching stupid people? #overheard
I bet he would, if you told him you wanted it. #overheard
I feel like I really just made his day. #overheard
If there is a somewhat regular food that would be by kryptonite, then pizza would that. #overheard
If you can’t afford a nice house in Collierville then they will literally sale you a shack. #overheard
My brain moves faster than my mouth. #overheard
I’d prefer that little kids in sweatshops weren’t doing the work, but I’d still buy the shirt if it’s cheap. #overheard
They are better off than our kids, drinking, smoking, they are working. #overheard
They don’t have as many things to buy, so it’s actually a good thing for them. #overheard
If they are going to make stuff cheap then we might as well take advantage. #overheard
She could potentially look different if she didn’t like the burgers. #overheard
Famous people don’t get that big. #overheard
CW 1: You said she was normal, but the average American consumes too many burgers.
CW 2: That’s a valid statement. #overheard
Sometimes having a yard is just part of life. #overheard
CW: I graduated cum laude.
Me: I graduated. #overheard
Apparently anything based on a book is a big deal. #overheard
Zombies are the new vampires. #overheard
Who wants to bet, what the new, big, half-dead beast will be? #overheard
If I had to pick an undead creature to be then I’d pick a vampire because aren’t zombies stupid? #overheard
If you took a zombie to Burger King would they be distracted? #overheard
If it’s a pulled muscle then I’m retarded. #overheard
If you took as many steps as you said words that would be amazing. #overheard
I’m ready to be done eating this so I can eat dessert. #overheard
I feel poor because my husband is eating pimento and cheese sammiches. #overheard
See, these are the funnest cookies ever. #overheard
Why do you think I’m stupid? I don’t need to think I’m stupid if I’m looking for a job. #overheard
Usually you don’t get rewarded for being stupid. #overheard
So my lens pops out of my glasses. But my eyesight’s not good enough to put ’em back in. #overheard
Me: Do you know if he’s on the grounds or out somewhere?
CW: I’m pretty sure he’s standing somewhere.
Me: Uh, Ok. But is he HERE on. the. grounds?
CW: Oh, I thought you said on the ground. I don’t know.
I kinda got to be in a special mood to eat fruit. #overheard
Take your rotten shrimp-ass away from me. #overheard
Lick this leaf and tell me of it’s salty. #overheard
Isn’t tequila kinda like Mexican? #overheard
Your face looks really funny (pause) in that mirror. #overheard
They are good and they fit perfectly in your mouth. #overheard
You just like them because they fit on my nipples. #overheard
I prolly think too much about the donuts. #overheard
CW: I’m only read a handful of biographies in my lifetime and Burt Reynolds is one of them. Another one, Chuck Norris.
Me: You read bad-ass books. #overheard
I just salved up. #overheard
I’m environmentally aware. #overheard
I want to go to the Kentucky Derby so I can wear a cool hat. #overheard
Then you are just giving him soggy wiener. #overheard
Whether I’m an animal lover or not depends on the animal. #overheard
We had a pitcher of water that we were trying to throw on them, but we couldn’t get close enough. #overheard
I thought about hiding out in the tree at night and sniping at them. #overheard
I heard they don’t like human hair, so when I got my hair cut last week we kept a cup of it, but we haven’t put it out yet. #overheard
I wish you could get an electric fence that would work without the collars. #overheard
He always looks like his suits are too small for him, but I think it’s just because his head is so small. #overheard
I marked to be an organ donor on my license, so, yes, I’d donate an organ to a stranger (pause) when I’m dead. #overheard
Can you buy a cage-top for a crib? #overheard
Those things can lay eggs in your face. #overheard
I’d rather have a cockroach run up my arm than a rat, either one could happen. #overheard
Something stinks in here. It’s not bananas, it’s pigs. #overheard
CW 1: I’m thinking it’s a prank.
CW 2: I’m thinking somebody sh!t their pants. #overheard
Well I think if you corner her by herself I don’t think she’ll lie about it. #overheard
I could totally shoot them from the window and no one would see me do it. #overheard
CW 1: Not a cat guy, huh?
CW 2: Why would anyone be? #overheard
I’m not gonna kill them, I just want to teach them a lesson. I don’t want to be arrested over this. #overheard
My beard is thick as sh!t. I need to trim that sh!t up, it makes my face look fat. #overheard
He didn’t pay for anything. Gosh dangit why do I have a boyfriend? #overheard
If we weren’t dating you would totally be my one night stand tonight. #overheard
I don’t get mad, sometimes I just get fake mad. #overheard
Sometimes it pays to be sober. #overheard
It’s not ugly if it’s true. #overheard
Me: I’d do you right now.
Tammy: I know.
Me: Would you do me?
Tammy: (pause) Sigh. If I didn’t have anything else to do.
Me: You’re a jerk. #overheard
Yeah, Arkansas’s all right. There are a lot of f****** farms and cows and grass and s—. #overheard
We look good skinny. #overheard
Make it so I can look in it too, don’t make it too tall. #overheard
I wish that was Pawpaw Max instead of that troll. #overheard
Even nerds like to hunch. #overheard
People that don’t shave their armpits shouldn’t wear sleeveless shirts. #overheard