To be honest with you I wasn’t really expecting this week to be a very good Things I Have Overheard.

A coworker got married this week and was out of the office, we were wrapping up a big project and I got sick, so I thought for sure I was going to have to skip a week after posting three weeks in a row. See Part I, Part II, Part III.

I REALLY thought there wasn’t going to be much #overheard when my boss started following me on Twitter, where I original post comments when they are first said. Then in the middle of the week my boss presented me with a t-shirt that let me know he knows about being #overheard.

Despite not being 100%, I toughed it out and headed out to our new hangout/neighborhood bar with Tammy to watch the Memphis Grizzlies play. We met up with some friends we met last week, were introduced to some new ones and, of course, had some really good #overheard moments.

With all that being said, I present you Things I Have Overheard this past week. As you’ll see, we were all over the place this week.

Women are tricky. #overheard

Don’t insult my package. #overheard

CW: I can’t bend over.
Me: You can, you just don’t need to. #overheard

She just looks like an old lady in a young person’s body. #overheard

Me: These aren’t hobo M&Ms.
CW 1: What’s hobo M&Ms?
Me: They are M&Ws. #overheard

I’ve yet to have an M&M that I didn’t like. #overheard

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t understand how you are as skinny as you are. #overheard

Hours are worse. Sometimes hours can be crazy. Sometimes an hour can be worse than two. #overheard

We are done. D-U-N. #overheard

You’ll have to push it through from behind. #overheard

Did I ever tell you about how I wanted to get out of Arkansas? But it’s just weird that what I traded it for is Mississippi. #overheard

That’s not to say that cats are smart, because if they were they’d stay out of my yard. They don’t know how much they are risking their lives. #overheard

I think y’all is just easier to say. #overheard

Yesterday was a bad day. It was my first day off Rockstar’s so I think it made me weak. #overheard

I know what highfalutin is sposed to mean, but what is falutin? Is there such a thing as lowfalutin? #overheard

I wanted to try it, but there was too much scary stuff down there. #overheard
I swear my water tastes my gasoline. (pause) I’m kinda worried about drinking it. #overheard

You can find anything on Craigslist and apparently it gets pretty weird too. #overheard

Do you have a problem with watching stupid people? #overheard

I bet he would, if you told him you wanted it. #overheard

I feel like I really just made his day. #overheard

If there is a somewhat regular food that would be by kryptonite, then pizza would that. #overheard

If you can’t afford a nice house in Collierville then they will literally sale you a shack. #overheard

My brain moves faster than my mouth. #overheard

I’d prefer that little kids in sweatshops weren’t doing the work, but I’d still buy the shirt if it’s cheap. #overheard

They are better off than our kids, drinking, smoking, they are working. #overheard
They don’t have as many things to buy, so it’s actually a good thing for them. #overheard

If they are going to make stuff cheap then we might as well take advantage. #overheard

She could potentially look different if she didn’t like the burgers. #overheard

Famous people don’t get that big. #overheard

CW 1: You said she was normal, but the average American consumes too many burgers.
CW 2: That’s a valid statement. #overheard

Sometimes having a yard is just part of life. #overheard

CW: I graduated cum laude.
Me: I graduated. #overheard

Apparently anything based on a book is a big deal. #overheard

Zombies are the new vampires. #overheard

Who wants to bet, what the new, big, half-dead beast will be? #overheard

If I had to pick an undead creature to be then I’d pick a vampire because aren’t zombies stupid? #overheard

If you took a zombie to Burger King would they be distracted? #overheard

If it’s a pulled muscle then I’m retarded. #overheard

If you took as many steps as you said words that would be amazing. #overheard

I’m ready to be done eating this so I can eat dessert. #overheard

I feel poor because my husband is eating pimento and cheese sammiches. #overheard

See, these are the funnest cookies ever. #overheard

Why do you think I’m stupid? I don’t need to think I’m stupid if I’m looking for a job. #overheard

Usually you don’t get rewarded for being stupid. #overheard

So my lens pops out of my glasses. But my eyesight’s not good enough to put ’em back in. #overheard

Me: Do you know if he’s on the grounds or out somewhere?
CW: I’m pretty sure he’s standing somewhere.
Me: Uh, Ok. But is he HERE on. the. grounds?
CW: Oh, I thought you said on the ground. I don’t know.

I kinda got to be in a special mood to eat fruit. #overheard

Take your rotten shrimp-ass away from me. #overheard

Lick this leaf and tell me of it’s salty. #overheard

Isn’t tequila kinda like Mexican? #overheard

Your face looks really funny (pause) in that mirror. #overheard

They are good and they fit perfectly in your mouth. #overheard

You just like them because they fit on my nipples. #overheard

I prolly think too much about the donuts. #overheard

[He’s] about halfway between Burt Reynolds and the Pillsbury Doughboy. #overheard

CW: I’m only read a handful of biographies in my lifetime and Burt Reynolds is one of them. Another one, Chuck Norris.
Me: You read bad-ass books. #overheard

I just salved up. #overheard

I’m environmentally aware. #overheard

I want to go to the Kentucky Derby so I can wear a cool hat. #overheard

Then you are just giving him soggy wiener. #overheard

Whether I’m an animal lover or not depends on the animal. #overheard

We had a pitcher of water that we were trying to throw on them,  but we couldn’t get close enough. #overheard

I thought about hiding out in the tree at night and sniping at them. #overheard

I heard they don’t like human hair, so when I got my hair cut last week we kept a cup of it, but we haven’t put it out yet. #overheard

I wish you could get an electric fence that would work without the collars. #overheard

He always looks like his suits are too small for him, but I think it’s just because his head is so small. #overheard

I marked to be an organ donor on my license, so, yes, I’d donate an organ to a stranger (pause) when I’m dead. #overheard

Can you buy a cage-top for a crib? #overheard

Those things can lay eggs in your face. #overheard

I’d rather have a cockroach run up my arm than a rat, either one could happen. #overheard

Something stinks in here. It’s not bananas, it’s pigs. #overheard

CW 1: I’m thinking it’s a prank.
CW 2: I’m thinking somebody sh!t their pants. #overheard

Well I think if you corner her by herself I don’t think she’ll lie about it. #overheard

I could totally shoot them from the window and no one would see me do it. #overheard

CW 1: Not a cat guy, huh?
CW 2: Why would anyone be? #overheard

I’m not gonna kill them, I just want to teach them a lesson. I don’t want to be arrested over this. #overheard

My beard is thick as sh!t. I need to trim that sh!t up, it makes my face look fat. #overheard

He didn’t pay for anything. Gosh dangit why do I have a boyfriend? #overheard

If we weren’t dating you would totally be my one night stand tonight. #overheard

I don’t get mad, sometimes I just get fake mad. #overheard

Sometimes it pays to be sober. #overheard

It’s not ugly if it’s true. #overheard

Me: I’d do you right now.
Tammy: I know.
Me: Would you do me?
Tammy: (pause) Sigh. If I didn’t have anything else to do.
Me: You’re a jerk. #overheard

Yeah, Arkansas’s all right. There are a lot of f****** farms and cows and grass and s—. #overheard

We look good skinny. #overheard

Make it so I can look in it too, don’t make it too tall. #overheard

I wish that was Pawpaw Max instead of that troll. #overheard

Even nerds like to hunch. #overheard

People that don’t shave their armpits shouldn’t wear sleeveless shirts. #overheard