Before I get to this weeks version of Things I Have Overheard, I wanted to establish one of the rules that was recently established by a coworker.

We determined the #overheard’s that actually come from me are acceptable as long as they were #overheard by someone else. It’s still an #overheard if I say it because someone else #overheard it. Make sense?

With that being said, Part V of the Things I Have Overheard came from a variety of places, including time catching up with some old friends over Mother’s Day weekend. Catch up on the previous versions Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV.

I’m totally jealous of your friend-making ability. I’ve been here a year and I still don’t have any friends. #overheard

I’ve seen way-more monkey-looking people than him. #overheard

I don’t even know who the Black Keys are. I think it’s Alicia Keys and the Black Eyed Peas smushed together. #overheard

I have a really hard time feeling sorry for anybody here. #overheard

CW: I’m on the verge of being depressed over how stupid people are.
Me: You just need to lower your standards. #overheard

It sounds like they are pretty hardcore old people. #overheard

CW: They have a Wal-Mart in Collierville? I thought they were too classy for that.
Me: Nobody is to classy for Wal-Mart. #overheard

My solution would be to burn him (the body of Boston Marathon bomber) then blow him up. #overheard

I’m told I was locked in my room, even when I could get out. #overheard

I don’t have any hick clothes, especially any hick dress clothes. #overheard

It’s not the traffic that makes it dangerous. #overheard

I’m really thinking that people are going to eventually stop talking because there are so many different options for people to communicate. #overheard

You seem like the kind of guy that might have some extra forks on hand. #overheard

Close your eyes and use your hands… This thing is going to slap me in the face… Wow, that thing’s really long… We’re stuffing little things into big holes. #overheard

I knew there was a little gap here. #overheard

Just look at JFK, if he had survived then nobody would have cared about him. #overheard

It’d be really hard for me to let someone I don’t know buy me a car. It’s a nice gesture, but it’s almost like he’s being a jerk because he has so much money. #overheard

Elvis is a weird word. It’s just E-L-V-I-S, right? #overheard

There’s nothing else like it (pause) except elves. #overheard

I gotta start running or something because I know I’m not gonna stop eating. #overheard

I feel that any goodness in Michigan is taken out by the badness of Detroit. #overheard

If you would have mixed in a lightening bolt you would have had the trifecta, the redneck trifecta. #overheard

I want you lying next to me, just not breathing. #overheard

Me: You are surprisingly not tan.
CW: You have to go outside to get tan. #overheard

It’s because of Jurassic Park that I like pelicans. #overheard

I’m not dumb, I just can’t hear. #overheard

You gotta know what you are gonna do and hit it in that window. #overheard

CW 1: You’re living fast & loose with no lid on that coffee cup.
CW 2: I like my coffee like I like my women. #overheard

You need the right ratio of fried stuff to pickle. #overheard

You have one kid, she’s got eight kids!! Plus a monkey, two dogs and a horse!! #overheard

CW: Monkeys throw poop. What would you want one?
CW: Some of them do, but not all of them. It’s a stereotype. #overheard

CW 1: So are we better than them [former coworkers]?
Me: Yes, because you are in my life right now.
CW 2: But the second he doesn’t work here anymore you are dead to him. #overheard

There are some of these men that surprise me with their sizes. #overheard

If I buy clothes at Wal-Mart it’s definitely getting washed, but I don’t buy clothes at Wal-Mart. #overheard

They’re just not wanting to get that thing off are they? #overheard

I’m always looking for hookers but everybody else gets to see them but me. #overheard

I’m in the back seat for a reason; there’s no responsibility here. #overheard

California knows more stuff than anybody else does. #overheard

Does that depend on the size of the package? #overheard

Like if you had a whole, a whole of vodka, you would have a lot of vodka? #overheard

Gosh danggit, it’s been a long time since I thought about how much I dislike him. #overheard

98% of what I say can be determined as snarky. #overheard

Donuts don’t get stale, they get naturally crispy. #overheard

He’s married now he can let himself go to sh!t. #overheard

I was just communicating, they were the ones that used you. #overheard

Me: He was a good soul.
CW: Was he?
Me: I figure at some point in his life he had to have been, right? #overheard

I’ll laugh at stupid, stupid is enjoyable. #overheard

My Dad got to ministerize for the first time in at least a decade. #overheard

I don’t know how many crowds I run around that have you in it. #overheard

Mr. Peanut has his monocle out over here. #overheard

I didn’t have a drinking problem, but I might before you’ve even been here a year. #overheard

It’s like Thousand Island Dressing down there. #overheard

That [coworker] is always talking about poop or black wieners. #overheard

He was like James Bond of the Taco Bell window. #overheard

My old church has a biker gang. #overheard

All of those healthy people forcing their health on me. I don’t want that. #overheard

What they gave me to put in there was longer than what was already there. #overheard

I’m always willing to admit when it’s not my fault. #overheard

I did it and I did it fast. #overheard

He did give us less on the front, it’s the back that’s expanded a bit. #overheard

I honestly don’t give a sh!t if you cuss me or not. #overheard

Dudley Do-Right is an actually good, funny movie. #overheard

You’ll be proud of me, I was drinking Miller High Life out of a can. I felt poor. #overheard

I feel poor when I drink beer out of a can. #overheard

You might as well just pee in my mouth. #overheard

How would you describe a gizzard, like how it tastes? #overheard

I will not eat chicken livers, those are poison filters. A gizzard is just an extra stomach, there’s a difference. #overheard

Me: All I’m saying is that I don’t think Jesus would be a waiter or waitress if he was working in today’s society.
CW: He’d be a hobo. #overheard

Technically “good” isn’t “great,” but if you add the exclamation points then it makes it great. #overheard

We’re rubbing off on each other and we’ll meet in the middle. #overheard

CW: We’re not really connoisseurs.
Me: We aren’t either, we’re just drunks. #overheard

I can see you getting hobo drunk or just drunk for that matter, but I can’t see her getting hobo drunk at all. #overheard

Just pick it up and see what happens. #overheard

CW: I feel like I’m just a part-time distraction, like [another coworker].
Me: So you’re saying I’m a full-time distraction?
CW: Pretty much. #overheard

It really had no affect on my happiness. #overheard

I was gonna say that but he kept talking. #overheard

The gizzards weren’t quite as filling as I had hoped. #overheard

The fun police is patrolling. #overheard

My assholeness is rubbing off on you. #overheard

I must be raggin’ today. All this shit’s bothering me. #overheard

I’m a somewhat expert, let me check it out for you. #overheard

You know you are doing it wrong if they get ticked off at you, but usually it works. #overheard

They were dressed like little douches. #overheard

I don’t know if all of these kids were theirs or not, but they should have stopped at two. #overheard

He’s not into camo, he’s cool. #overheard

I’m not opposed to it, but there’s so many other ways I’d rather have my meat. #overheard

It starts out bigger and then gets smaller. It’s shrinking. It starts out a lot bigger.  #overheard

It would make your car smell like old poon. #overheard

Aww man, sh!t goes down on New Girl. #overheard

I’d rather suck ketchup out of the packets than put it on a piece of bread. #overheard

CW 1: I can get my feet over my own waist-level.
CW 2: Congratulations, that will get you far in life. #overheard

If you do pull it out, I’m definitely recording it. #overheard

What’s an un-nasty one sound like? #overheard

We just tease you because we know it makes you feel bad. #overheard

It sounds like an old hobo in there laughing, doesn’t it? #overheard

My wife has a friend named [withheld] and she won’t control her baby. #overheard

I just don’t like stupidity. #overheard

Stuff won’t taste right after this. #overheard

I prolly coulda snapped his neck when I was younger. #overheard

We beat our kids if they don’t say “Yes sir or not ma’am.” #overheard

I’ve never seen him eat, but it’s got to be copious amounts. #overheard

I’m gonna hook you up with that Blonde Rooster down there. #overheard

Friend: You see why I married him?
Bartender: I see why you drink. #overheard

I don’t do dark meat. It’s gross. #overheard

It’s not a mullet because I had bangs in the front. #overheard

Where are y’all from, because y’all sure cuss a lot. #overheard

He cusses too much to drink a martini. #overheard

You aren’t fake, sometime you are just overly you. #overheard