This week’s installment of Things I Have Overheard isn’t nearly as long as some of my previous posts, but there are still plenty of fun things being said.

We had some close friends in for the long weekend and, of course, they offered up their fair share of #overheard’s.

You can follow me on Twitter if you want to see some of the Things I Have Overheard in “real time.”

I hope everyone had a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend. I know we did. I’ve got the tan lines to prove it.

CW: I flushed a millipede this weekend.
Me: Is that code for something?

If I had a beard like that, I would definitely go be in the circus. #overheard

It’s hard to put a finger on why I hate him, I just do. #overheard

He is most like a cat as far as people around here goes. #overheard

Weed usually calms people down. But when you don’t have food, shit gets real. #overheard

Just flip it over, flip it, schooch it. #overheard

You just can’t do it without it being a little funky. #overheard

I thought I was going to be 33 for a while, but I’m just 32. #overheard

It feels like I just had an aneurysm. #overheard

I’ve eaten it like 15 times and I haven’t died. #overheard

I said I haven’t died, I never said I haven’t gotten sick. #overheard

I once gave up trying to hook up with a chic because she ordered chili on her hash browns. Seriously? Who orders chili at Waffle House? #overheard

Man, nothing sounds better than a truck. #overheard

I don’t mess with a man’s fan. #overheard

Me: I told you my stomach hurted earlier, but you didn’t believe me.
Tammy: I just didn’t really care. #overheard

So it was almost like you were peeing out of your skin. #overheard

Their fries are good. They taste like donuts to me. Next time you try them see if you can taste a little Krispy Kreme in them. #overheard

I gave it to [wife’s name] and she stuck it somewhere. #overheard

It’s really hard to do. I don’t know why. #overheard

If I forget to turn off the TV it doesn’t make me stink. #overheard

You can come in the out hole. #overheard

CW: He spends more money at fast food restaurants than anyone I’ve ever seen.
Me: That’s why he never goes to the doctor. #overheard

When’s a better time to play “Thunderstruck” than when it’s thundering. #overheard

I think the cooking wife stereotype is about over, unfortunately. #overheard

I am thoroughly impressed by his knowledge. #overheard

I know more than the average person, but I’m not anywhere close to you. #overheard

I think you are immune to deodorant. #overheard

I was raining down corn dog burps on people. I’m classy like that. #overheard

I was pounding on my window calling some gentleman a c^nt the other day cause he didn’t know how to use a turn lane. #overheard

Yeah, I’d ride that. #overheard

You know if you just leave it alone long enough it will turn red. #overheard

I was trying to lube it up and push it back through there. #overheard

I’m just checking out your box. #overheard

Maybe you just suck harder now. #overheard

You’re clogging up both holes, b!tch! #overheard

The window will close, you just have to train it. #overheard

I don’t really talk to her enough to foul her garbage. #overheard

It’s leaving a weird tingle on my tongue. #overheard

I’m waiting for adverse effects to happen, but I don’t want to quit drinking it. #overheard

I almost fell asleep in a Subway sandwich. #overheard

I’m definitely too cool to watch that. #overheard

The kid doesn’t know. He just wants to wear handkerchiefs and shorts. #overheard

When he’s got his mouth open screaming, I push the dropper in and squeeze it. #overheard

Turning it off is a job but if I turn it on I’m just an overachiever. #overheard

I thought you were in a minute ago, (pause) put you did pull out. #overheard

We are the Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx of bad food choices. #overheard

[Coworker] got some guy texting her as a wrong number and she got d!ck pics out of it. #overheard

Does y’all’s brains ever hurt? #overheard

I’ve got a hashtag, I just haven’t used it in a while. #overheard

Just as long as we can get it all in the box. #overheard

I’ve got a serious case bum-gravy. #overheard

When you’ve had a big one it’s hard to get use to a small one. #overheard

I need my phone so I can poop. #overheard

You wanna go play with those little balls I have. #overheard

There’s lots of different kinds of balls. #overheard

Don’t put that in your mouth. #overheard

I could eat at home if I wanted someone to be a b!tch to me. #overheard

It took a lot of hard work to get that thing in there. #overheard

It goes right in the bush. #overheard

At least you didn’t get a big shot on your face. #overheard

Even the fat boy did it! #overheard

• This one was said by the youngest contributing member of the #overheard community. A record that may never be broken.