This week’s installment of Things I Have Overheard isn’t nearly as long as some of my previous posts, but there are still plenty of fun things being said.
We had some close friends in for the long weekend and, of course, they offered up their fair share of #overheard’s.
You can follow me on Twitter if you want to see some of the Things I Have Overheard in “real time.”
I hope everyone had a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend. I know we did. I’ve got the tan lines to prove it.
CW: I flushed a millipede this weekend.
Me: Is that code for something?
If I had a beard like that, I would definitely go be in the circus. #overheard
It’s hard to put a finger on why I hate him, I just do. #overheard
He is most like a cat as far as people around here goes. #overheard
Weed usually calms people down. But when you don’t have food, shit gets real. #overheard
Just flip it over, flip it, schooch it. #overheard
You just can’t do it without it being a little funky. #overheard
I thought I was going to be 33 for a while, but I’m just 32. #overheard
It feels like I just had an aneurysm. #overheard
I’ve eaten it like 15 times and I haven’t died. #overheard
I said I haven’t died, I never said I haven’t gotten sick. #overheard
I once gave up trying to hook up with a chic because she ordered chili on her hash browns. Seriously? Who orders chili at Waffle House? #overheard
Man, nothing sounds better than a truck. #overheard
I don’t mess with a man’s fan. #overheard
Me: I told you my stomach hurted earlier, but you didn’t believe me.
Tammy: I just didn’t really care. #overheard
So it was almost like you were peeing out of your skin. #overheard
Their fries are good. They taste like donuts to me. Next time you try them see if you can taste a little Krispy Kreme in them. #overheard
I gave it to [wife’s name] and she stuck it somewhere. #overheard
It’s really hard to do. I don’t know why. #overheard
If I forget to turn off the TV it doesn’t make me stink. #overheard
You can come in the out hole. #overheard
CW: He spends more money at fast food restaurants than anyone I’ve ever seen.
Me: That’s why he never goes to the doctor. #overheard
When’s a better time to play “Thunderstruck” than when it’s thundering. #overheard
I think the cooking wife stereotype is about over, unfortunately. #overheard
I am thoroughly impressed by his knowledge. #overheard
I know more than the average person, but I’m not anywhere close to you. #overheard
I think you are immune to deodorant. #overheard
I was raining down corn dog burps on people. I’m classy like that. #overheard
I was pounding on my window calling some gentleman a c^nt the other day cause he didn’t know how to use a turn lane. #overheard
Yeah, I’d ride that. #overheard
You know if you just leave it alone long enough it will turn red. #overheard
I was trying to lube it up and push it back through there. #overheard
I’m just checking out your box. #overheard
Maybe you just suck harder now. #overheard
You’re clogging up both holes, b!tch! #overheard
The window will close, you just have to train it. #overheard
I don’t really talk to her enough to foul her garbage. #overheard
It’s leaving a weird tingle on my tongue. #overheard
I’m waiting for adverse effects to happen, but I don’t want to quit drinking it. #overheard
I almost fell asleep in a Subway sandwich. #overheard
I’m definitely too cool to watch that. #overheard
The kid doesn’t know. He just wants to wear handkerchiefs and shorts. #overheard
When he’s got his mouth open screaming, I push the dropper in and squeeze it. #overheard
Turning it off is a job but if I turn it on I’m just an overachiever. #overheard
I thought you were in a minute ago, (pause) put you did pull out. #overheard
We are the Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx of bad food choices. #overheard
[Coworker] got some guy texting her as a wrong number and she got d!ck pics out of it. #overheard
Does y’all’s brains ever hurt? #overheard
I’ve got a hashtag, I just haven’t used it in a while. #overheard
Just as long as we can get it all in the box. #overheard
I’ve got a serious case bum-gravy. #overheard
When you’ve had a big one it’s hard to get use to a small one. #overheard
I need my phone so I can poop. #overheard
You wanna go play with those little balls I have. #overheard
There’s lots of different kinds of balls. #overheard
Don’t put that in your mouth. #overheard
I could eat at home if I wanted someone to be a b!tch to me. #overheard
It took a lot of hard work to get that thing in there. #overheard
It goes right in the bush. #overheard
At least you didn’t get a big shot on your face. #overheard
Even the fat boy did it! #overheard
- This one was said by the youngest contributing member of the #overheard community. A record that may never be broken.
“We are the Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx of bad food choices” is my favorite this week!
HAHA… We totally are too. Last week was really bad because of Sonic’s 50¢ corn dog day. I think we consumed roughly 2,000 calories (low-end estimate) in lunches over a two-day period.
I’m pretty sure I’ve already got the D-I-A-B in diabeetus by now. HAHA…