Last week was a busy one. Not only were we getting ready for my company to host a big event here in Memphis, but we also lost a fellow coworker.
Well, we didn’t actually lose because we know where she is – she moved to Atlanta to be with her boyfriend – but she’s no longer a part of our happy family here at [company name].
Before she left I wanted to make sure she knew how much we all would miss her, so I planted little gifts in her cube.
She didn’t find the one I left for her on Wednesday, so I brought another one in on Thursday, hoping she would find it. I figured if she didn’t find them by Friday then I’d have to help because I didn’t want her to miss them.
Turns out she found them on Thursday afternoon, although I think she had a little help.
Looking back I think I taped the leftover tuna cans too far back under her desk for the smell to easily be detected. Lesson learned for the next time.
You were a blast to work with [coworker] and we will all miss you. Good luck in Atlanta!!
Now, on to this week’s installment of Things I Have Overheard.
I’ve smelled worse than this lots of times. #overheard
I just want to say that a lot of our conversations are pretty disgusting. #overheard
I consider myself to have good handwriting, but the bigger I write the worse it gets. #overheard
Female CW: Would you really want to eat anything at the strip club? [Male coworker] keep your mouth shut. #overheard
I never went to prom, I went to races instead. #overheard
Most of the time I stand up and feel fine, but then there are times when I feel like a poorly stacked game of Jenga. #overheard
CW 1: That’s mine.
CW 2: I know, I’m playing with it now. #overheard
THAT’S YOUR TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR FACE?! #overheard
If it’s in my trashcan then you have to smell it. #overheard
He told me not to swallow. #overheard
You’ve got the perfect spot for it. You wouldn’t even draw any attention. #overheard
I don’t want my Vodka flavored with anything besides Vodka. #overheard
I don’t like Vodka because that was very bad time in college. #overheard
I can smell rubbing alcohol and get a little bit nauseous. #overheard
He looked like he had fisted a unicorn. #overheard
I would have been afraid to pull that out. #overheard
Anything that involves chicken bones and human hair is categorized as evil. #overheard
It doesn’t have to be hair, but that’s the easiest thing to get a hold of. #overheard
You don’t want to come into town for a family reunion and die. #overheard
I don’t typically fall over, it’s kind of an old person thing to do. #overheard
I consider myself an average intelligence woman, but I’m really struggling with this. #overheard
Junior dos Santos is the only person named Junior that I like. #overheard
I was expecting to see more than that. #overheard
Engineering and the tech office is a toss-up about who smells like sh!t the most. #overheard
I don’t hold grudges. I remember things. Is there a difference? #overheard
I’m having a daydream of all the toilets overflowing and turds coming down the hallway with a rat in a coffee mug just rowing. #overheard
You don’t ever see unicorns angry and busting sh!t up and stuff. #overheard
You have Voodoo doing friends. That doesn’t really say anything about the general public. #overheard
What if he gets mad at me? Is he gonna Voodoo me? #overheard
CW: Did you hear me say that there is something wrong with you?
Me: Yeah, I’m OK with that. #overheard
The other one, you can feel it, it’s thicker. #overheard
I’ve cut myself a bunch of times just ripping open Coke cans for fun. #overheard
I just need that Olympic d!ck in me. #overheard
Whoever sits next to [coworker] needs to have worked with special ed kids before. #overheard
I was never with him and more than one other black guy. #overheard
He’s like the Al Bundy of this office. #overheard
I trust you more than any run-of-the-mill waitress. #overheard
My wife discovered something that she’s never used before. #overheard
I’m proud that I cut myself this morning because now I can say “I’ve bled for this company.” #overheard
Do you need a bigger one? #overheard
I’m very nice as long as you aren’t f^cking stupid. #overheard
Watch your F-bombs, we’ve got a Christian over here. #overheard
Are you in a bad mood, are you hung over or something. #overheard
I really wish I was better at telling stories. I just can’t make anything interesting. #overheard
He takes creepy to a whole new level. He’s lucky I’m so cool. #overheard
Blow is awesome. #overheard
I don’t know why, but sometimes I feel like I’d do anything for you. #overheard
I’m pretty sure somebody’s prolly sh!t themselves in that thing. #overheard
It looks big enough, but where do you strap it to. #overheard
It’s coincidence that Chuck Norris started taking over AFTER Elvis died. #overheard
That dude just sprayed that sneeze everywhere, I could hear it. It was juicy. #overheard
CW 1: Geez, he can’t get a hold of himself.
CW 2: I have that problem. #overheard
I just went full retard. #overheard
I think I kicked a little to high while I was in that Elvis outfit. #overheard
What are you trying to fit it into? #overheard
That’s one thing that’s missing from this group. We have shallow conversations, but we never talk about our feelings, dig below the surface. #overheard
How ’bout Jessica Rabbitt? Is she hot or what? #overheard
Billy was the one choking me. #overheard
It started raining so I went inside and read my Bible a while. #overheard
I don’t want you to not put it in. #overheard
You look like a special needs child. #overheard
You prolly just need to push it in harder than I did. #overheard
I don’t care if he’s a virgin, it’ll just be a lot harder work if he’s a virgin. #overheard
I like a soft bottom more than I like a hard bottom. #overheard