Last week was a busy one. Not only were we getting ready for my company to host a big event here in Memphis, but we also lost a fellow coworker.
Well, we didn’t actually lose because we know where she is – she moved to Atlanta to be with her boyfriend – but she’s no longer a part of our happy family here at [company name].
Before she left I wanted to make sure she knew how much we all would miss her, so I planted little gifts in her cube.
She didn’t find the one I left for her on Wednesday, so I brought another one in on Thursday, hoping she would find it. I figured if she didn’t find them by Friday then I’d have to help because I didn’t want her to miss them.
Turns out she found them on Thursday afternoon, although I think she had a little help.
Looking back I think I taped the leftover tuna cans too far back under her desk for the smell to easily be detected. Lesson learned for the next time.
You were a blast to work with [coworker] and we will all miss you. Good luck in Atlanta!!
Now, on to this week’s installment of Things I Have Overheard.
I’ve smelled worse than this lots of times. #overheard
The trailer for it made it look like it was just a bunch of midgets sitting at a table. #overheard
I just want to say that a lot of our conversations are pretty disgusting. #overheard
I consider myself to have good handwriting, but the bigger I write the worse it gets. #overheard
Female CW: Would you really want to eat anything at the strip club? [Male coworker] keep your mouth shut. #overheard
I never went to prom, I went to races instead. #overheard
Most of the time I stand up and feel fine, but then there are times when I feel like a poorly stacked game of Jenga. #overheard
CW 1: That’s mine.
CW 2: I know, I’m playing with it now. #overheard
THAT’S YOUR TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR FACE?! #overheard
If it’s in my trashcan then you have to smell it. #overheard
He told me not to swallow. #overheard
You’ve got the perfect spot for it. You wouldn’t even draw any attention. #overheard
CW 1: You like to grip all of it?
CW 2: Yes, more control. #overheard
I don’t want my Vodka flavored with anything besides Vodka. #overheard
I don’t like Vodka because that was very bad time in college. #overheard
I can smell rubbing alcohol and get a little bit nauseous. #overheard
He looked like he had fisted a unicorn. #overheard
I would have been afraid to pull that out. #overheard
CW 1: I wanted to get a voodoo doll, but I didn’t want to be screwing up the wrong person.
CW 2: You’ve gotta have a sample of their hair. #overheard
Anything that involves chicken bones and human hair is categorized as evil. #overheard
It doesn’t have to be hair, but that’s the easiest thing to get a hold of. #overheard
You don’t want to come into town for a family reunion and die. #overheard
I don’t typically fall over, it’s kind of an old person thing to do. #overheard
I consider myself an average intelligence woman, but I’m really struggling with this. #overheard
Junior dos Santos is the only person named Junior that I like. #overheard
I was expecting to see more than that. #overheard
Engineering and the tech office is a toss-up about who smells like sh!t the most. #overheard
I don’t hold grudges. I remember things. Is there a difference? #overheard
I’m having a daydream of all the toilets overflowing and turds coming down the hallway with a rat in a coffee mug just rowing. #overheard
You don’t ever see unicorns angry and busting sh!t up and stuff. #overheard
You have Voodoo doing friends. That doesn’t really say anything about the general public. #overheard
What if he gets mad at me? Is he gonna Voodoo me? #overheard
CW: Did you hear me say that there is something wrong with you?
Me: Yeah, I’m OK with that. #overheard
The other one, you can feel it, it’s thicker. #overheard
I’ve cut myself a bunch of times just ripping open Coke cans for fun. #overheard
I just need that Olympic d!ck in me. #overheard
Whoever sits next to [coworker] needs to have worked with special ed kids before. #overheard
I was never with him and more than one other black guy. #overheard
He’s like the Al Bundy of this office. #overheard
I trust you more than any run-of-the-mill waitress. #overheard
My wife discovered something that she’s never used before. #overheard
I’m proud that I cut myself this morning because now I can say “I’ve bled for this company.” #overheard
Do you need a bigger one? #overheard
I’m very nice as long as you aren’t f^cking stupid. #overheard
Watch your F-bombs, we’ve got a Christian over here. #overheard
My buffalo hump is getting bigger… feel it. #overheard
Are you in a bad mood, are you hung over or something. #overheard
I really wish I was better at telling stories. I just can’t make anything interesting. #overheard
He takes creepy to a whole new level. He’s lucky I’m so cool. #overheard
Blow is awesome. #overheard
If you need help getting dressed let me know. #overheard
I don’t know why, but sometimes I feel like I’d do anything for you. #overheard
I’m pretty sure somebody’s prolly sh!t themselves in that thing. #overheard
It looks big enough, but where do you strap it to. #overheard
It’s coincidence that Chuck Norris started taking over AFTER Elvis died. #overheard
That dude just sprayed that sneeze everywhere, I could hear it. It was juicy. #overheard
CW 1: Geez, he can’t get a hold of himself.
CW 2: I have that problem. #overheard
I just went full retard. #overheard
I think I kicked a little to high while I was in that Elvis outfit. #overheard
What are you trying to fit it into? #overheard
That’s one thing that’s missing from this group. We have shallow conversations, but we never talk about our feelings, dig below the surface. #overheard
How ’bout Jessica Rabbitt? Is she hot or what? #overheard
Billy was the one choking me. #overheard
It started raining so I went inside and read my Bible a while. #overheard
Since when are Asians into farming? I thought they just worked in the rice fields. #overheard
I don’t want you to not put it in. #overheard
You look like a special needs child. #overheard
You prolly just need to push it in harder than I did. #overheard
I don’t care if he’s a virgin, it’ll just be a lot harder work if he’s a virgin. #overheard
I like a soft bottom more than I like a hard bottom. #overheard
Ha! Makes me wish I worked in an office, though not enough to actually work in an office. I’ll leave that to you.
I pinned the unicorn pic on Pinterest though, so my work for the day is finished!
Every week it just keeps getting better.
I have people that get upset when they don’t make the most current week’s list. HAHA…
One day Tammy thought we were having a whole bunch of sexual conversations based on the #overheard stuff I posted on FB and Twitter. They were the furthest thing away from sexual conversations, well, except for the Olympic d!ck comment. That one was sexual. HAHA…
Most of it sounds sexual. But it’s very funny!
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