This week’s version of Things I Have Overheard is all over the map but, as usually, there was plenty of stuff to keep me laughing and my fingers busy.
My coworkers know I keep an #overheard file open on my computer at all times and know they have “made it” when they see me turn away from a conversation and/or hear me typing.
Some people love that they make the list, while others dread the release, hoping they didn’t get #overheard.
One day last week Tammy thought we had a lot of sexual conversations at work, so I asked her why she said that. She read off some of the #overheard comments I had posted to my Facebook and Twitter. I started laughing because only one of the conversations she thought were sexual actually had anything to do with sex and that comment was pretty obvious. See if you can find it by checking out Part VIII.
Now, on to this week’s Things I Have Overheard.
It’s been a long time since I’ve got to go to a meeting, so I would really enjoy that. #overheard
I’m pretty sure the last time [it] was here we had funnel cakes for lunch. #overheard
It seems counter-intuitive to me, but old people love driving dangerously large vehicles. #overheard
They wadn’t hardcore racing, but they made their tires chirp. #overheard
I’ll take the lips and assholes for $2.50 please. #overheard
Just put it in your mouth and swallow. #overheard
There’s something about eating a pickle on a stick that grosses me out. #overheard
He doesn’t seem the kind to have rotten ass like that. #overheard
There’s cussin’ in it, that means it was one of you two. #overheard
CW 1: This won’t fit.
CW 2: You just gotta spread it out. #overheard
I’ll carry it around with me and see if I can stick it to something. #overheard
I knew that woman was an idiot. #overheard
He’s not tiny, but he’s not impressive. #overheard
At least you aren’t being compared to a retard bicycle rider. #overheard
I’m good with the three-squirting tip. #overheard
That [Twilight] calendar is up on the wall now. That kinda removes all of her credibility as an adult. #overheard
That’s only 1.25 inches, you think that’s too much? #overheard
There was a freight train of hookers on the corner yesterday. #overheard
Do you work at the truck stop? #overheard
He’s looking for a place with less sin. #overheard
I’m gonna fart at some point. You’re prolly gonna feel it. #overheard
I was spending money just trying to get [coworker] laid. #overheard
I jammed some meatloaf down my throat around 11:30. #overheard
I’m trying to see my d!ck again. #overheard
CW 1: This guy f^cking loves buhhole.
CW 2: Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it. #overheard
It’s not anymore difficult to put two in the box than one. #overheard
I personally like them darker… the lips. #overheard
Not everybody needs to be a manwhore. #overheard
I’ve never met anyone that acts younger than you. #overheard
Maybe I’m just so immature that it makes him seem more mature than he really is. #overheard
What color are they sposed to come out? #overheard
You don’t think his offspring color would change like he did? #overheard
I feel like [coworker] today. I just don’t want to get up. #overheard
If it doesn’t involve my ankles I think I can handle it. #overheard
I’m upset that y’all didn’t get to see his excessive monkeyness. #overheard
Awwww… Here go mo’ trouble. #overheard
I forgot to say the rest of the sentence. #overheard
On one hand it’s like I can’t believe these idiots exist, but on the other hand it’s good they do because we have these videos to watch. #overheard
If they were cooked a tick longer I would have ’aten more. #overheard
I wasn’t putting it in mine so I sure wasn’t asking anybody to put it in theirs. #overheard
Anybody want this little box? #overheard
You got a little extra meat on those thighs. #overheard
I like my chicks paler. #overheard
Well I can’t get a job because the drivers in this city turn me into an angry white woman. #overheard
Me: I don’t know this song do I?
Tammy: I don’t think so, but you prolly will by the end of it.
Me: That’s because she repeats herself a thousand times. #overheard
CW 1: When I hear someone say car-a-mel I just want to punch them in the throat.
CW 2: That might be a slight over reaction, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. #overheard
Look at Batman, he’s got the hard life. #overheard
I wonder if Bill Cosby ever got tired of eating pudding. #overheard
Remember in a previous conversation I came up with the cure for aids. #overheard
Apparently I was on auto-pilot because I don’t know why I did what I did. I put my water bottle on top of the water cooler and reached for my zipper. It was about that time when I realized what I was doing. #overheard
I’m having one of those “I’ve forgotten to blink” kind of headaches. #overheard
I was not drunk. #overheard
CW: Is that kid on the pot?
Me: Huh? Where? What kid?
CW: [coworker’s name]. Weed. Grass. Reefer. Mary Jane.
Me: Ohhhhhh, I thought you meant there was a kid sitting on a toilet somewhere.
I’m all about pwning boobs. #overheard
You could fake it for some donuts. #overheard
I’ve never done anything but plug ’em, unless it’s a pretty serious hole. #overheard
Isn’t it better to eat a donut on a day you ran instead of a day you didn’t run? #overheard
They were the tightest nuts I’ve ever had to deal with. #overheard
That’s not lying, that’s just showing potential. #overheard
Our Mexican girls are gone, that’s all I know. #overheard
If you get it to go you feel ripped off because it looks like it was made by a hobo. #overheard
I do too. I know some rap songs. #overheard #saidablackgirl
I’m drunk. I can tell because my eyesight is blurry. #overheard
‘Your voice is too high,’ your too f^cking gay. #overheard
I’ll make you c^m in 2 minutes by sticking my pinkie up your ass. You fucker. #overheard
I’m lost in my own apartment. #overheard
I might be drunk, but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. #overheard
Dummy!! I was gonna call you stupid but I gotta stop saying that. #overheard
I’m bread, a little bit of brown and red. #overheard
I didn’t put a lot of pressure on it because it didn’t look like it would be desirable. #overheard
When it’s out it’s out hard. #overheard
Today is apparently “Fat Blonde” day. #overheard
She looks like a skanky Miranda Lambert. #overheard