Spent the past week knocking out some projects at work, checking out some new restaurants (posts coming later) and all kinds of funny things were #overheard, some by people who didn’t know I was listening.

There were several times where I was glad I had my little notebook with me to capture some of the Things I Have Overheard, but there were still many good ones that didn’t make the list.

What a difference six inches makes. #overheard

Good thing I didn’t poke it too hard. #overheard

The worst part about having Five Guys is having to shit like you’ve been f^cked by five guys. #overheard

I could feel the wood in my back. #overheard

I don’t expect to get sick because my immune system is pretty much bulletproof. #overheard

I really like to be sick by myself. #overheard

Speaking of soft kitty… #overheard

I’m trying to figure out which way this thing is gonna shoot. #overheard

It’s not something I want in my mouth for an extended period of time. #overheard

CW 1: It’s like meat-flavored drinks just haven’t taken off.
CW 2: It’s because they have meat-flavored meat. #overheard

CW 1: Smell my breath.
CW 2: Nu-uh #overheard

I’d rather eat than gamble. #overheard

I think it’s almost time for your period. #overheard

It’s not the size that’s the issue. #overheard

I’m gonna do it, but I’ll hate you all day for it. #overheard

You don’t help anyone. You prolly yell at the garbage man. #overheard

You’re too good for two “N’s” like every other Jennifer in the world? #overheard

I chose to do it when my kids didn’t have a choice. #overheard

This sounds weird, but I just like the leather. #overheard

It’s like, gosh-darnit, these stupid zoos. #overheard

I see your drama queen parents every other week, don’t complain about going to Texas one time. #overheard

I don’t think I’ve ever turned him down before. #overheard

This is how you have a boy for a daughter.

Now she’s got a boy for a daughter. #overheard

I mean, if you are like a manly women, that’s not your fault. #overheard

A man shouldn’t get “women surgery” then try to play golf against women. #overheard

However if man becomes and tries to win a beauty contest then I don’t see that as a disadvantage. #overheard

Don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes I really don’t think you are right. #overheard

I called someone a c^nt before 9 o’clock. #overheard

Wieners are NOT my thing. #overheard

I’m gonna be double-fisting hot dogs. #overheard

Chicken sphincters are not the same as a steak sandwich. #overheard

One thing I have learned from this is that I would NOT be good at doing those puzzles on Survivor. #overheard

It’s like the Rubik’s Cube of clutches. #overheard

I couldn’t get the thing in there. #overheard

I don’t like to hunch for extended periods. #overheard

Ohhh, it’s harder than it looks. #overheard

Khaki’s: It just seems like your half-assing it. #overheard

I was dripping out of both ends and I couldn’t stop it. #overheard

Most of the time it’s family and I know them, I don’t question their grooming habits. #overheard

Does this interest you? It’s got those tattooed girls in it. #overheard

C’mon, you’ve seen my diet. My mid-life was prolly when I was 28. #overheard

I go through Facebook sometimes and think I need to get new friends because this sh!t sucks. #overheard

I feel bad for him because he was prolly so ugly when he was younger. #overheard

It’s not just you honey, I don’t want to do it with anybody. #overheard

Friday night’s ain’t for Wal-Mart, it’s for drinking and sex. #overheard

I can’t wait to hold her, even if she doesn’t want me to. I’m gonna make her cry. #overheard

I didn’t brush my teeth. They don’t feel slimy. #overheard

I don’t know how I live with you. #overheard

This is a bad time, you are exercising and I’m eating a donut. #overheard

I bet ya like Dick’s or something. #overheard

I put a bra on because don’t racers appreciate boobs? #overheard

Now we’re talking…

I have one of his balls in my purse. #overheard

I’m past wanting to be wanted. I just want people to think I am younger than I am. #overheard

I wasn’t til he put it in my face. #overheard

The Food Network was showing a place in Wisconsin that has the Ultimate BLT and it has a pound of bacon on it. I’m thinking, “You know, that’s a good start.”