I’ve been a little behind in releasing my Things I Have Overheard posts, but I didn’t feel like posting one last week, on the one year anniversary of my step-Dad’s death.

That doesn’t mean that I didn’t overhear and write down things.

It kind of worked out good because this past week was actually pretty slim in the #overheard department around the office. We’ve been really busy and there haven’t a lot of off-topic conversations.

Maybe next week will be better…

Week 1

If a Jewish person cooks your burger it’s gonna be well-done. #overheard

They are pretty serious about the no blood thing. #overheard

I’ve grilled out with Jews twice and both times they were pretty well-done. #overheard

I get getting on to the kid, but calling him a retard is prolly not acceptable. #overheard

I’m the cleanest eater you’ve ever seen. I don’t even need napkins. #overheard

CW: I’m not that mean… yet. Me: Yeah, but I could see it. CW: I don’t take offense. That’s a valid statement. #overheard

I must admit, I wish you were standing at the urinal next to me a few minutes ago. #overheard

It’s the little shaft. It popped out of the hole. #overheard

I think I got some wood!  #overheard

CW1: What you got over there?
CW2: I got some more wood.
CW1: OK, Good. #overheard

I’m really in better shape than I look. #overheard

Did I hear something about you wearing women’s underwear today? #overheard

Our customers are going to die or lose their license. #overheard

Only one end of them explodes. #overheard

I just looked down and I was covered in Pop Tart crumbs. #overheard

Yeah, I saw that. I was wondering if that guy knew what six inches was. #overheard

I wanna be somewhere where they want me and do whatever to please me. #overheard

It’s like the 3 Stooges of animal control in your yard. #overheard

I want to be mean to the cats, but I don’t want to be arrested. #overheard

I have these weird chest pains, so if I keel over at [lunch place] don’t leave me in the ghetto. #overheard

I don’t wanna cram sh!t in my hole until I’m miserable. #overheard

I’m glad I have to hear Lee Greenwood only once a year though. #overheard

That’s the second time today he’s threatened me with boots. #overheard

Is it the same length as yours? #overheard

CW 1: I think money would make me lazy.
CW 2: Pfft… I’d buy a wheel chair like Stephen Hawking. I wouldn’t even have to hold my head up, just blow on’a straw to do shit. #overheard

Steve’s balls didn’t light up. #overheard

It’s like you are Fancy one night and White Trash the next. #overheard

We’re so “90210,” hooking up with each others boyfriends. #overheard

I really don’t think there’s much better than Taco Bell when you’re drunk and I’m not even really drunk. #overheard

I was way drunker than I needed to be. #overheard

It’s hard isn’t it? I hate looking at that thing. #overheard

They’ve got the biggest ones I’ve ever put in my mouth. #overheard

It was small, but it was thick. #overheard

There’s proper poop etiquette and she didn’t use it. #overheard

How creepy is that? He f^cked someone that his Dad did? #overheard

It’s long, but it’s good at the end. #overheard

Well that didn’t fulfill me very well. #overheard

Week 2

It can get really hairy if I’m not careful. #overheard

She’s like Biggest Loser, except they can’t make her workout big. #overheard

He needs a helmet.

She’s literally almost as wide as she is tall. #overheard

It’s not like it’s a “Can’t Lick the Windows” kind of helmet. #overheard

If I’m gonna watch a movie in the United States then speak some United States in the movie, not some French crap. #overheard

I shoulda climbed more stuff when I was a kid. #overheard

It’s too damn long but it’s all in. #overheard

I could barely shove it in the hole. #overheard

These holes aren’t blocked up but sometimes they might be. #overheard

I know sometimes you play with girls. #overheard

I could barely keep the squirt in my mouth. #overheard

I don’t throw it out there very much anymore. #overheard

I was wet… last week. #overheard

I love a good fish taco. #overheard

That’s like an orgasm, soft and silky in your mouth. #overheard

When you’re wearing a midriff top and high heels, what you’re saying is, “I want to have sex with everyone.” #overheard

You can’t spell class without ass. #overheard