I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted a new Things I Have Overheard.

I could make up excuses like now that Tammy has a job we are going out to eat all the time (we aren’t), hitting the bar more times a week (really just on Friday) or that Fantasy Football is taking all of mine time, but the truth is I’ve just been lazy.

But, because I know how much some of you look forward to reading what I have #overheard during the past few weeks, I decided to “work” on Labor Day. It’s purely a coincidence that I’m doing this while my XBox is going through some update right now.

Anyway, here’s some Things I Have Overheard during the past two weeks.

If they are down that low then I’m game. #overheard

I can not manage anything very big. #overheard

Society failed long before the iPad came along. #overheard

[Coworker] are you gonna beat your kids when they deserve it? #overheard

Luckily my mouth wasn’t open. #overheard

I was constantly going down. #overheard

[She] probably [has] a framed pic of Jesus in the bedroom. That’s a rod wilter right there. #overheard

This is gonna require two hands. #overheard

Being bigger than the other guy has it’s advantages. #overheard

That’s why I can’t have a gun, because I would shoot somebody. #overheard

Six seconds seemed like a long damn time. #overheard

CW 1: Who’s gonna fake a $1 bill?
CW 2: People who wanna go to the strip club. Who’s gonna check it there?
Me: I like the way you think. #overheard

He got married at 21? Man, at that age you still gots lots of whoring left to do. #overheard

Kids who are home schooled are weird. #overheard

CW: He didn’t shoot it, it discharged accidentally.
Me: That’s what I say all of the time too. #overheard

Did you take my ’Mater? #overheard

Kissing leads to hunchin’. #overheard

I have no idea how big or small it’s gonna be. #overheard

Before I could picture him as a great basketball player I could picture his as a great bowler. #overheard

I kiss ass at the drums on Rock Band to this song. #overheard

Y’all ready to get f^cked up tonight? #overheard

I’d take off my jewelry, my bra and put on a moo-moo, something big and loose. #overheard

It gave me the goosey bumps. #overheard

It’s a lot of work to try and have sex with someone else. #overheard

I have a little bit of everybody in me. #overheard

Most people around here are too old to have babies. #overheard

I taste it in my nose. #overheard

That’s called a whore’s bath in my house. #overheard

I’ve been very blessed to have a redneck-free family. #overheard

We could call it the Grab Bag o’ Lube. #overheard

Hey, just tell him “one day he’ll come.”  Hey, let me get under there.

I’ll work on that fella’s junk. #overheard

You’d think he’d be good at that. He’s prolly fondled lots of balls. #overheard

I would turn down a job if a suit was a requirement. #overheard

CW: I’ve never used the fridge here before.
Me: You open the door, put food in it and close the door. #overheard

It feels weird because my hairs are all prickly. #overheard

I’m not mad at her. She just has a big mouth! #overheard

Show it to me big. #overheard

My family tree is like a weed. #overheard

Slap that thang good. #overheard

I swallowed it too hard. #overheard

I need some protein (pause) protein from an animal. #overheard

First off, I’d have no problem lying under oath. #overheard

I couldn’t even finish it all, it was too big. #overheard

I like that, but it’s big. #overheard

He doesn’t care, he just gives it to me. #overheard

I really like it when it’s stiff. #overheard

She the only one that came on her own. #overheard

It don’t matter how smart we are. All that matters is that we were homecoming queens and we still got it. #overheard

They twice as much as weigh as me. #overheard

It’s not an old people place, it’s an adult place. We’re used to hanging out with drunks. #overheard

Even his Mom calls her the “Catcher’s Mitt” because that’s how her face looks. #overheard

It’s healthier than Candy Crush. #overheard

I’ve got a lot of Vaseline. #overheard

You didn’t like it, but you let it happen. #overheard