I’ve been sitting on a lot of my overheard moments for the past month, partially because I didn’t want to have a “fun-sized” one in what is the 20th post of Things I Have Overheard.

But also because Tammy and I have been busy. I was a judge at Best Memphis Burger Fest and Battledish: Memphis, updated my Food Bucket List, ate at Flight, had some unusual Mac & Cheese that Tammy made and visited some friends in Little Rock.

Oh and let’s not forget the Late Night Bad Decisions we had recently, although I’m sure Tammy would like for that to happen.

Anyway, enough self promotion. Here is the 20th version of Things I Have Overheard.

I’m ADD, I don’t know that I can drag race for more than 20 seconds. #overheard

It’s “I Love You” in Spanish.

Tammy: What’s that?
Me: It means “I love you” in Spanish. #overheard

I snapped at him earlier. He’s been getting pounded from all sides today, like a drunk slut. #overheard

Did you get a haircut? Your head looks different. #overheard

Ewww, I don’t like Chinese food. I like Japanese though. #overheard

I’ve got something to fill the gap. #overheard

I be rubbin’ up on yo booty everyday. #overheard

I have to tuck it in and pull it out because it hangs so low. #overheard

Surely they didn’t ALL win the lottery.

Ehh, that’s too short. #overheard

I’d prefer more than one if that’s do-able. I’d be OK with two of them. #overheard

CW 1: There’s a lot of things I’d do different if all my bills were paid.
CW 2: I wouldn’t wear pants. #overheard

I’m willing to try it if anyone wants to give me some. #overheard

Practicing for when it rains.

CW 1: What do hookers do when it rains?
CW 2: Handstands.
CW 1: * undecipherable groans of disgust * #overheard

Swallowing’s what you do to get a man, not keep a man. #overheard

Me: You sure are being ornery this morning.
Tammy: Ornery? I cleaned the stove. #overheard

It’s OK to be excited, just don’t be stupid. I know how you sometimes confuse the two. #overheard

I’m just trying to think if I could swallow it… if I had to. #overheard

What were YOU thinking??

It’s OK, I don’t mind if you suck on it with lipstick. #overheard

My wife packed some nuts in my deal. #overheard

With that one there might be some leakage on the face. #overheard

This is too big to have a ball that size. #overheard

Sticky stuff got all over one of the pushrods. #overheard

I refuse to use paper so guess I gotta hold it.

Oh, wow… that’s bigger than I thought it was going to be. #overheard

I refuse to do things that require paper in the bathrooms here. #overheard

Long-term I’m gonna be great at the worm. I need a good time to debut my skills. #overheard

The girl’s hand on it was huge, made it look that big <hand gesture>. #overheard

A lot of people said Happy Birthday to me today, most of which I wouldn’t do the same for. #overheard

You think I can stick this up there? #overheard

CW 1: The little girl inside me was screaming.
CW 2: I don’t have a little girl inside me. #overheard

We saw one guy with his meat tube out. #overheard

You can push yourself to do that, but you can’t even be nice. #overheard

Oh don’t get up, just take it. #overheard

That’s gross, especially because I can see your balls. #overheard

Awesome, that’s a lot bigger than I thought it would be. #overheard

I swear to bajesus if Forte gets hurt I will pull my tits off. #overheard

I’ve been in the work environment for 35 years. I could be taking a shit and look busy. #overheard

He pulled it out and it seemed OK, so he yanked the one out next to it. #overheard

[Coworker] said I had Tourette’s earlier. #overheard

I see what you mean about Gingers.

These are the best nuts I’ve ever had. #overheard

Not all Gingers are pretty. #overheard

I have surprising capacity for my size. #overheard

I wouldn’t mind fingering it to see if it felt any different. #overheard

If fingering while getting a handjob wasn’t cheating, I’d give it a go. #overheard

It’s a good size, it’s 11. #overheard

There’s no real dinosaur in dinosaur chicken nuggets. #overheard

Did you say you were half Jewish? #overheard

I’m kinda scared to shake that old one. #overheard

He’s so fucked up he can’t even talk. #overheard

She laughed and said it was against her religion to drink. I said, “Yep, I will never be a part of your religion.” #overheard

You don’t want your kids to mistake your titties for your knees. #overheard

It ends in a “-gist” so he’s a scientist. #overheard

I don’t really like Bon Jovi, he’s too soft. #overheard

If only this were the case…

To be honest with you I was a little cold this morning and my nipples were showing through my shirt, so I wanted to cover that up. #overheard

I haven’t had a shower since yesterday and you just got shit on by a turtle. #overheard

Just give me the “Coors Light” of pot. #overheard

I’m a cookie connoisseur. I can sniff ’em out. #overheard

The countdown has begun…

Once we did go to Joe’s CrapShack and [female name] got them to sing HB to me. I allowed it. We were still dating and knew I had to play along to get poon. #overheard

If I’m still here and not married at 35, you can put me on FarmersOnly.com. #overheard

Sorry, I didn’t mean to slap you in the face with that. #overheard

I can’t get any bigger than that. #overheard

People kept trying to jam things in yesterday that she couldn’t keep up with. #overheard

There’s been more than one time where I’ve been puked on by more than one person at the same time. #overheard

I was just gonna let him do whatever he wanted to do with it. #overheard

CW 1: What’s the dimensions of it?
CW 2: Long & huge. #overheard

If you are ever trying to get on the right side of a fatty, bring cookies and brownies. #overheard

If you start to choke just relax your throat and you can take it all the way down. #overheard