My Weird Body Issue

I know the good people over at Klout meant well when they recently sent me two free issues of ESPN The Magazine, but things took a strange and funny turn when I showed them to Tammy last night.

Now don’t get me wrong, I definitely appreciate the freebies from Klout (I’ve gotten three things now), I just wasn’t expecting the reactions I got from ESPN The Magazine’s Fifth Anniversary Body Issue Portfolio (2009-2013).

The cover of the Body Issue I received.

I opened the package and pulled out the two magazines, the QB Issue and the Body Issue. I held up them both up to Tammy.

Me: Pretty sweet huh? I didn’t know I’d be getting the Body Issue.
Tammy: (looking at the cover and smirking) Who is that?
Me: That’s Ronda Rousey from the UFC. She’s the Women’s Champ.

Looking back, I prolly should have hesitated a little, because I could tell from Tammy’s reaction that I knew who was half-nekkid on the cover way too quickly.

I attempted to recover by only flipping through the magazine a few seconds before putting it down then looking for something for dinner.

For those of you that don’t know, ESPN’s Body Issue is “an edition of ESPN The Magazine that featured over 30 athletes in nude and semi-nude photographs, which is intended to rival Sports Illustrated′s Swimsuit Issue.” (source Wikipedia)

ESPN-Adrian+PetersonA few seconds later I saw that Tammy had picked up the Body Issue and was looking at the first few pages.

Tammy: Oh, there’s AP (Adrian Peterson) I remember that one.

At this point she was turning the pages very slowly.

I could tell she was admiring some of the very muscular men, as well as the toned women, but I was reluctant to join her.

When she was nearing the halfway point of the magazine I walked over and started looking at the pages with her.

Tammy: She looks weird because she’s all (pause) flat. I mean really, who’s all flat like that?

He’s got to be tucked, right?

I had learned my lesson from earlier and didn’t say anything.

But then I saw a picture of a man jumping, with his hand covering his junk.

Me: He’s got to be tucked right? Because there’s no way it’s that small.
Tammy: I hope not.

There were pictures of football players, basketball players (men and women), swimmers, skiers, soccer players, golfers, boxers, Olympic athletes and people from various other sports.

Sometimes Tammy would recognize someone.

Tammy: Whoa, there’s Steven Jackson. He’s thick, looks like a fireplug.

Sometimes there were pictures that made me do a double-take.

Me: Is she…
Tammy: Yes, Jason. She’s missing her legs.

Then a few pages later.

Me: Oh, she’s a paraplegic too.
Tammy: No she’s not. She’s only missing one leg.
Me: So she’s a single-plegic?

Tammy rolled her eyes so hard that I thought she was having a seizure.

Sometimes the images were shot in ways that made it appear as if something “more” was showing.

Tammy: Is that her nipple? (holding up the magazine to me)
Me: (grabbing the magazine and closely inspecting) No, I don’t think so. I think it’s part of her tennis racket.
Tammy: (grabs magazine back) Ohhhhh, I see what you are saying.

Sometimes the images looked like they hurt, like the one of the decathlete jumping nekkid into a sandpit.

Me: That could not have been good, sand in all the wrong places.

As Tammy neared the end of the magazine I decided to gauge her reaction.

Me: See, it’s wasn’t that bad.
Tammy: It’s just weird, looking at nice bodies.

Maybe she was just getting me back for knowing who was on the cover, but it sounds like I’ve got some work to do.

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2 Responses to My Weird Body Issue

  1. Jason, it sounds like a weird body issue. That woman champ on the cover….well, I can see why she’s on the cover. On the one hand, it’s nice to celebrate toned bodies. The human body is beautiful, after all. I actually don’t mind it when athletes show off.

  2. Nagzilla says:

    I haven’t seen this year’s issue, but I saw 2011’s because it featured Suzy Hotrod from the Gotham Girls roller derby league. It does make you feel a bit inadequate.
    Hopped over from Fat Bottom Girl. Nice blog!

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