Getting Into My Wife’s Panties

I realized something about my wife last night that left me wondering if she’s normal or if she has a problem.

I don’t even know what words to use to describe it because saying she has an obsession sounds creepy and saying she’s a hoarder makes her sound dirty.

So I’ll just say that my wife has an unbelievable amount of panties.

She says it’s not that odd, but I don’t know if I believe her.

Due to the nature of the topic I can’t really talk to my female coworkers about the issue considering it’s kinda hard to work panties into a conversation.

Me: Hey Anna. How was your weekend? Oh that’s nice. Hey, how many panties do you think you own?

A Pair a Day Keeps the Blues Away

I knew that women have lots of shoes and believe me Tammy’s got plenty of those too. At one point we counted that she had 40+ pairs of flip-flops. I know, I know, those don’t count as shoes.

As I was getting some laundry out of the dryer last night I noticed that there seemed to be an awful lot of women’s under-britches.

She must not have the Tammy Collection.

I brought the basket upstairs and wondered what Tammy had been wearing to work the past few weeks.

Me: You musta been going commando the past week at work because I think I’ve got all of your panties in this basket.
Tammy: Good. I was getting close to running out.
Me: What? Are you kidding me? You’ve prolly got enough panties that you could go 60 days without wearing the same pair twice.
Tammy: No I couldn’t.

She had started folding clothes by this time so when she said she couldn’t go 60 days, I asked her to count how many pairs she had in front of her.

Tammy: See, I’ve only got 22 pairs.
Me: I’ve got another 14 pair sitting here on the table.
Tammy: Shut up, no you don’t.

I grabbed the giant ball of panties sitting by me, walked over to Tammy and started counting as I dropped each pair in her lap.

Me: That makes 36 pairs and that doesn’t even include what’s in the armoire. Those would put you well over 60.
Tammy: Yeah well you’ve got a lot of underwear too. I found a bunch of them up in the attic.
Me: Those don’t count.
Tammy: Why? If the ones in the armoire count then those count.
Me: The ones in the attic don’t count because they aren’t in the rotation.
Tammy: What does that even mean?
Me: I’ve only got 7-10 pair that I wear. Why do you think every weekend I say that I need to do laundry?
Tammy: Because you sharted.

Variety is the Spice of Life

I feel so pretty when everything matches.

During the last 24 hours I’ve had a refresher course on the different types, styles and uses of women’s under-britches.

The majority of Tammy’s collection falls into the Matching Set category. This one is self-explanatory in that the tops and bottoms match.

Subcategories within the Matching Set include thongs, boy shorts, bikini and g-string just to name a few.

Period/Granny Panties

Another category of Tammy’s are called Period Panties.

In some circles these are also sometimes called Granny panties.

Anything falling in this category  doesn’t mean they are from the 1800s, 1920s or any other period.

That’s all I have to say ‘bout that.

Graced with Knowledge

Grace stopped by for dinner Monday night and Tammy decided to bring her into the Great Under-britches Debate.

Tammy: Hey Grace, how many pairs of panties do you think you have?
Grace: A lot.
Tammy: See (looking at me). I told you that girls have a lot of panties.
Me: Grace, put a number on a lot.
Grace: Oh geesh, I don’t know.
Me: We were counting Tammy’s last night and she’s got close to 60 pair.
Grace: Whoa… Really?
Tammy: I didn’t have 60.
Me: You aren’t done counting yet.

That’s when Grace launched into what seemed to be Defending Women mode.

Grace: It’s so easy for girls to buy underwear because you go into Victoria’s Secret and they are SO cute. Then they give you a good deal, but it’s really not a good deal because it’s $9.99 a pair.

She then launched into her take on the reason for women having such a high volume.

Grace: You have different underwear for different occasions. You don’t want to wear something that gives you love handles if you’re wearing a nice dress. If you’re wearing yoga pants you don’t want there to be underwear lines.

Grace: Plus you want them to be cute. But I hate calling them panties. I just hate that word. I like calling them undies.

Grace’s Motto: Be Prepared

Grace then told us about how much she packed for her weekend trip to South Carolina and how Jake thought she should have packed.

Grace: I was packing the other day for South Carolina and Jake told me I only needed 3 shirts, 3 shorts and 3 underwears. I packed like 13 pairs of underwear. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED? I mean, you never know. What if you pee your pants? What if you have explosive diarrhea?
Me: Nobody says nothing to you if you have explosive diarrhea.

What’s Your Number

This was NOT taken in our bedroom.

During this time Tammy had gone to her armoire and started counting all the panties she could find.

She came back proud of her number.

Tammy: If that’s all I have then I have 57. But I don’t think it’s that bad.
Me: You know there are more in the other room.
Tammy: No I don’t.
Me: I know there are and there are still some in the laundry.

Grace once again fell into Defending Women mode and called her Mom in an attempt to prove me wrong.

Grace: Hey Mom, how many pairs of undies do you think you have?
Grace: Oh geez, your gonna make Jake’s Mom look bad cause she’s got 57 pair.

After Grace got of the phone, Tammy asked for her Mom’s panty number.

Grace: Twenty. She said she has 20 that she wears regularly, 15 “fat” panties, 10 skinnies and maybe some maternity.
Me: So she’s nowhere close to Tammy’s collection.

As Tammy continued to pack for our Thanksgiving trip to visit my family she kept unearthing additional pairs of panties.

At last count she would be able to wear a different pair of panties every day from now until Jan. 31, 2012.

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29 Responses to Getting Into My Wife’s Panties

  1. Dan says:

    I’d also point out that any drawers you buy her don’t count either.

  2. That’s funny! I know I hate a lot too! Even ones Sadie has chewed holes I still have!! I guess she passed that down to me.

  3. Doc says:

    What the heck are you complaining about? I would hazard to say that your wife has so many pairs of panties (or undies) only to keep you happy. I would imagine she just doesn’t want you to get bored. I love panties. I’ve even been known to hang out at our local Victoria’s Secret pretending to buy for my wife even though I am currently single. They are beginning to eye me suspiciously.

    • JWo says:

      Haha… Definitely wasn’t complaining. Just wondering if it was normal.
      As we were getting ready for our trip, new pairs kept turning up. I think at last count she’s up to 80+.
      I wish I had a little counter that I could update when she finds an uncounted pair.

  4. OK. One of us is NOT normal here. Let’s just say that I need to do laundry every week. Just sayin’…

    • JWo says:

      Sounds like you may have some of those panties with the days of the week on them that Grace told me about.
      She said the problem with those is that if someone sees your panties on Friday and you have the ones with Wednesday on them then they’ll think you’re gross. hahaha…

      • No way! I refuse to be restricted by my panties. I agree with Grace on that. However, I hate spending money on a lot of panties because I believe in the “greater good”. I think it’s good to spend money on what the greater number of people are going to see – my overwear, not my underwear.

  5. muddledmom says:

    Um, yeah, I have to do weekly wash or I have to dig into the “granny” pile, and then my husband starts to sing the song he has made up for those….But I think an important component is missing here. So much emphasis is placed on women’s undies (I hate panties too). My husband is probably still wearing some from high school. A friend has a great story about a pair with a rip from the elastic to the hem and the elastic is busted so he has to hold them up when he walks around in them sans pants. Are you men kidding me?? Great post.

  6. Hilarious! I’m with Grace…I prefer to call them undies : )

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  9. Little Miss says:

    Undies or Knickers ;)
    I have loads too! I can’t be bothered to count though. Definitely agree with it depending on what you’re wearing, and also who’s going to see it !

  10. boomiebol says:

    You can never ever have too many knickers even if you go commando all the time LOL

  11. La La says:

    I have like 80 pairs of underpants (I like to call them underpants because it’s funny). When I like a pair, I buy it in about 5 colors. I save 1 pair for when I haven’t done laundry in a long time–it is an army print thong.

  12. susielindau says:

    This is a laugh out loud post and I did laugh out loud! Period panties. The ones in the attic don’t count because they are not in the rotation????? Priceless!
    Still laughing!

  13. Susie turned me onto the right blog here!
    Tammy- because you sharted! ahahahahahh! she is hilarious. My wife has at least 60 pair and always wants more. She may have more than 60 fucking scarves as well. I kind of get the scarf because everyone sees those. At least panties are small and don’t take up much space

  14. The Guat says:

    You cracked me up! I saw you on Susie’s Wild Ride and thought I can’t pass up a story with a hook like that. I’m glad I stopped by…undies by category. Yeah chicks are like that. I have my categories too, but not 60 panties worth. Good post. :)

  15. Melinda VanLone says:

    My mom used to use my dad’s old underwear as dust rags. True story. I say a girl can never have enough underpants. You never know what you’ll be in the mood for, and there are so many styles!

  16. Must admit I only have 50.

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  18. I’m off to count my panties BUT period panties don’t count as regular panties also dressy panties as you can only wear them dressed up…Sigh..Are you starting a support group?? LOL Great Blog thanks for the laugh

    • JWo says:

      Be sure to let me know what your number is. hahaha…

      And I’m pretty sure we included ALL of her panties. I was too shocked by the amount that I didn’t even think to categorize them.

      There are several pairs that saw their better days in the early 90s. I’m guessing they are considered collector’s pieces by now.

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