I realized something about my wife last night that left me wondering if she’s normal or if she has a problem.
I don’t even know what words to use to describe it because saying she has an obsession sounds creepy and saying she’s a hoarder makes her sound dirty.
So I’ll just say that my wife has an unbelievable amount of panties.
She says it’s not that odd, but I don’t know if I believe her.
Due to the nature of the topic I can’t really talk to my female coworkers about the issue considering it’s kinda hard to work panties into a conversation.
Me: Hey Anna. How was your weekend? Oh that’s nice. Hey, how many panties do you think you own?
A Pair a Day Keeps the Blues Away
I knew that women have lots of shoes and believe me Tammy’s got plenty of those too. At one point we counted that she had 40+ pairs of flip-flops. I know, I know, those don’t count as shoes.
As I was getting some laundry out of the dryer last night I noticed that there seemed to be an awful lot of women’s under-britches.
I brought the basket upstairs and wondered what Tammy had been wearing to work the past few weeks.
Me: You musta been going commando the past week at work because I think I’ve got all of your panties in this basket.
Tammy: Good. I was getting close to running out.
Me: What? Are you kidding me? You’ve prolly got enough panties that you could go 60 days without wearing the same pair twice.
Tammy: No I couldn’t.
She had started folding clothes by this time so when she said she couldn’t go 60 days, I asked her to count how many pairs she had in front of her.
Tammy: See, I’ve only got 22 pairs.
Me: I’ve got another 14 pair sitting here on the table.
Tammy: Shut up, no you don’t.
I grabbed the giant ball of panties sitting by me, walked over to Tammy and started counting as I dropped each pair in her lap.
Me: That makes 36 pairs and that doesn’t even include what’s in the armoire. Those would put you well over 60.
Tammy: Yeah well you’ve got a lot of underwear too. I found a bunch of them up in the attic.
Me: Those don’t count.
Tammy: Why? If the ones in the armoire count then those count.
Me: The ones in the attic don’t count because they aren’t in the rotation.
Tammy: What does that even mean?
Me: I’ve only got 7-10 pair that I wear. Why do you think every weekend I say that I need to do laundry?
Tammy: Because you sharted.
Variety is the Spice of Life
During the last 24 hours I’ve had a refresher course on the different types, styles and uses of women’s under-britches.
The majority of Tammy’s collection falls into the Matching Set category. This one is self-explanatory in that the tops and bottoms match.
Subcategories within the Matching Set include thongs, boy shorts, bikini and g-string just to name a few.
Another category of Tammy’s are called Period Panties.
In some circles these are also sometimes called Granny panties.
Anything falling in this category doesn’t mean they are from the 1800s, 1920s or any other period.
That’s all I have to say ‘bout that.
Graced with Knowledge
Grace stopped by for dinner Monday night and Tammy decided to bring her into the Great Under-britches Debate.
Tammy: Hey Grace, how many pairs of panties do you think you have?
Grace: A lot.
Tammy: See (looking at me). I told you that girls have a lot of panties.
Me: Grace, put a number on a lot.
Grace: Oh geesh, I don’t know.
Me: We were counting Tammy’s last night and she’s got close to 60 pair.
Grace: Whoa… Really?
Tammy: I didn’t have 60.
Me: You aren’t done counting yet.
That’s when Grace launched into what seemed to be Defending Women mode.
Grace: It’s so easy for girls to buy underwear because you go into Victoria’s Secret and they are SO cute. Then they give you a good deal, but it’s really not a good deal because it’s $9.99 a pair.
She then launched into her take on the reason for women having such a high volume.
Grace: You have different underwear for different occasions. You don’t want to wear something that gives you love handles if you’re wearing a nice dress. If you’re wearing yoga pants you don’t want there to be underwear lines.
Grace: Plus you want them to be cute. But I hate calling them panties. I just hate that word. I like calling them undies.
Grace’s Motto: Be Prepared
Grace then told us about how much she packed for her weekend trip to South Carolina and how Jake thought she should have packed.
Grace: I was packing the other day for South Carolina and Jake told me I only needed 3 shirts, 3 shorts and 3 underwears. I packed like 13 pairs of underwear. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED? I mean, you never know. What if you pee your pants? What if you have explosive diarrhea?
Me: Nobody says nothing to you if you have explosive diarrhea.
What’s Your Number
During this time Tammy had gone to her armoire and started counting all the panties she could find.
She came back proud of her number.
Tammy: If that’s all I have then I have 57. But I don’t think it’s that bad.
Me: You know there are more in the other room.
Tammy: No I don’t.
Me: I know there are and there are still some in the laundry.
Grace once again fell into Defending Women mode and called her Mom in an attempt to prove me wrong.
Grace: Hey Mom, how many pairs of undies do you think you have?
Grace: Oh geez, your gonna make Jake’s Mom look bad cause she’s got 57 pair.
After Grace got of the phone, Tammy asked for her Mom’s panty number.
Grace: Twenty. She said she has 20 that she wears regularly, 15 “fat” panties, 10 skinnies and maybe some maternity.
Me: So she’s nowhere close to Tammy’s collection.
As Tammy continued to pack for our Thanksgiving trip to visit my family she kept unearthing additional pairs of panties.
At last count she would be able to wear a different pair of panties every day from now until Jan. 31, 2012.